Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I'm worth more...

Let me tell you how your one word answers/texts make me feel...

When I say good morning, or good night, followed by kisses and other expressions of my affection and my love, and you simply say, "morning, and/or nite" and nothing else, it makes my heart hurt.  It makes my tears start to fall, again.  

There is no feeling, no affection, no love behind those one word comments.   They just sit there by themselves.   Alone.  

You aren't telling me to have a good morning, or a good nights sleep.  You aren't even showing any kind of affection let alone love.   It's as if you're talking to a stranger, certainly not your wife, you say you love.  

When I ask(beg), "no kisses?"  It's like begging for your affection/love.   Actually, it's not LIKE begging, it IS begging.  Begging for you to show me you love me, you care for me.  

It makes me feel, exactly feel like you are keeping your love and affection from me...with thought, with purpose.   It sadly reminds me of a time when you gave your love and affection(and time) willingly, happily to me.   

I sit there and look at that one word.  Just like this morning, waiting for more.  Waiting for some kind of hint or hope that that monotone word won't just sit there all alone.   Yet after 20/25 minutes I know no other words are coming.  You've said your piece/peace.  

There is no universe where you don't know or understand what you are doing.  And it's cruel...with everything else going on in our lives, it's fucking cruel how you hold your love out of reach from me.  

How long are you going to keep it from me?   It's been years now, haven't I waited long enough?   Does seeing me like this give you some perverse pleasure?   Dangling it in from of me, and only showing me glimpses of your affection every 6-8 weeks?   

Haven't I proven to you I'm worthy of your love?

I must be a masochist, because I keep coming back for more.   

What scares me, is thinking that you somehow think this is ok, and it's the only way you think to keep me tied to you.   I would have thought after this last year, that you'd realize I'm at my breaking point.  

I'm beyond my breaking point.  

For too long I've questioned my worthiness...and I realize now why.   I deserve to be loved.  
I fucking deserve to be loved damn it. 

I'm tired of reaching for something, that so obviously you don't want to give to me, share with me.  
I'm tired of beating myself up that I'm not worthy enough.  

I'm tired of begging.  I shouldn't have to beg you, to show me love and affection.  

I'm empty.  I have nothing left to give because my soul and heart have not been replenished in years.  

I can't delude myself any longer.  
I just can't, it's killing me inside...and I'm worth more than that.  

I'm worth more...so much more.  

6 comments:

bikinfool said...

You ARE worth more. No one should have to beg, plead or bargain for affection from their spouse.

Is it possible he is communicating in some mode of the love languages that you aren't picking up on? If not, then maybe the lack of any compassion is all you'll ever get for communicating in that regard.

AndyPSV said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
monkey girl said...

Andy, I appreciate your advice on Lyme cures however I don't give advice for any cures. In addition, I keep my private blog and Lyme blog separate.
Thank you.

monkey girl said...

Bif,
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying by "love language". Could you please give me an example?
Thank you always for reading and taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.
Hugs,
mg

bikinfool said...

MG - I'll have to look it up (on my bookshelf at home) But there's a book published about the 5 love languages . . .wait a minute, I an google that shiznit . . .

It's "the 5 love Languages andthetitlegoesonforever . ." By Gary Chapman.

To sum it up - look here: http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

If I could remember the html I'd make it a proper tag, but . . .

Anyhow - there are 5 ways people can express love. There's also 5 ways people like to receive those affirmations. Some folks modes of expression don't always line up with their significant others desired modes of receiving.

For instance - I'm not one to gush verbal expressions of love. But I'll bend over backwards to make sure you get everything you need. So by keeping my s.o. satisfied, happy & content, that's how I express my devotion & commitment. Well, one of the ways.

It's an interesting read, there's exercises to work through to figure out what your sending & receiving modes are. You can get a copy used on Amazon for $5 or so.

Far as driving in the snow - we have absolutely the best road crews up here. Between their plowing and using salt, we aren't in bad shape. 8 inches of snow overnight and we're still driving to work the next day. You learn how to drive in it (never brake on a turn, slow down first, THEN turn) and it's all second nature. However, if you have a few extra degrees of heat you can send up, we'll take all you can spare!

Brian

monkey girl said...

Brian,

Thank you so much for the info, I will definitely look up the book and get it. I so appreciate you taking the time to reply back. 😊
As far as sending some warmer weather, I'll see what I can do. We've been having an unusually warm winter this year. Normally our highs would be in the mid to high 30s about now and we've been in the 40s/50s -and even 60s!! It's like spring in February, which worries me. Our spring comes in late April/early May, so this is not normal at all. We haven't even had any snow!
I'll try to send some extra degrees your way. 😉
Hugs,
mg