Monday, February 16, 2015

facing fears

I don't think H will ever need/want me with the same consuming need and urgency that I want him. 
And after 26 years together I think I finally need to face this fact.  

I need to stop pretending I can change him or the situation...but the thought of living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage terrifies me and makes my heart hurt. 

Because, of course, I question whether he's seeking sex elsewhere(even with himself)...because he simply doesn't want sex or any kind of intimacy with me.  

At least not with any kind of regularity, and once a month makes me feel unfeminine...unwanted.  


Anonymous said...

You're not alone. Try once every year or two for the last 12 years. My whole life I've had an extremely strong sex drive, so this has devastated me in many ways and I have no one to talk to about it. If I wasn't sick with Lyme and dependent on him right now, I would take the kids and run. He has it too I know...but not as bad as I do. Because he is also ill, I have too much sympathy. I am sick too yet my drive is as strong as ever. Affection is a human emotion I thought we all needed. I know it affects everyone differently, but I feel everything has been taken from me...every pleasure in my life. Family, friends, travel, enjoying my kids, hobbies, jobs, food because of food allergies, my memory, my sanity..but with no passion or affectionate touch of any kind at all, none of these other things are bearable. The first sign there was something wrong with him was his loss of sex drive... and slowly everything else has gone too. He's a good man deep down and means well, but can't manage money, makes rash decisions etc. I can no longer handle the life I've been living. I've come to realize that I deserve love and a life without it is worthless to me. I can't see myself like this still 5 or 10 more years down the road. I don't see any solution either. I'm sorry to ramble..your post just really hit home.

monkey girl said...

everything you said sounds so familiar, except H doesn't have Lyme(like me). this has been going on for years, finally in the last 2 yrs I hit my breaking point.
all I can say now, is we go to marriage counseling once a week, at least.
I'm not saying it's a cure, but I have to believe it's worth saving. It took 3 therapists before we found one who could understand our complicated problems(Lyme, sex issues, etc).

My heart goes out to you L. Lyme has stripped me of family, friends, health, my job, my body, my mind...the list is endless. I know where you are and it's a hard place to be with few people who truly understand chronic illness.
I'm always around to talk, email me if you feel the need.