Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I'm worth more...

Let me tell you how your one word answers/texts make me feel...

When I say good morning, or good night, followed by kisses and other expressions of my affection and my love, and you simply say, "morning, and/or nite" and nothing else, it makes my heart hurt.  It makes my tears start to fall, again.  

There is no feeling, no affection, no love behind those one word comments.   They just sit there by themselves.   Alone.  

You aren't telling me to have a good morning, or a good nights sleep.  You aren't even showing any kind of affection let alone love.   It's as if you're talking to a stranger, certainly not your wife, you say you love.  

When I ask(beg), "no kisses?"  It's like begging for your affection/love.   Actually, it's not LIKE begging, it IS begging.  Begging for you to show me you love me, you care for me.  

It makes me feel, exactly feel like you are keeping your love and affection from me...with thought, with purpose.   It sadly reminds me of a time when you gave your love and affection(and time) willingly, happily to me.   

I sit there and look at that one word.  Just like this morning, waiting for more.  Waiting for some kind of hint or hope that that monotone word won't just sit there all alone.   Yet after 20/25 minutes I know no other words are coming.  You've said your piece/peace.  

There is no universe where you don't know or understand what you are doing.  And it's cruel...with everything else going on in our lives, it's fucking cruel how you hold your love out of reach from me.  

How long are you going to keep it from me?   It's been years now, haven't I waited long enough?   Does seeing me like this give you some perverse pleasure?   Dangling it in from of me, and only showing me glimpses of your affection every 6-8 weeks?   

Haven't I proven to you I'm worthy of your love?

I must be a masochist, because I keep coming back for more.   

What scares me, is thinking that you somehow think this is ok, and it's the only way you think to keep me tied to you.   I would have thought after this last year, that you'd realize I'm at my breaking point.  

I'm beyond my breaking point.  

For too long I've questioned my worthiness...and I realize now why.   I deserve to be loved.  
I fucking deserve to be loved damn it. 

I'm tired of reaching for something, that so obviously you don't want to give to me, share with me.  
I'm tired of beating myself up that I'm not worthy enough.  

I'm tired of begging.  I shouldn't have to beg you, to show me love and affection.  

I'm empty.  I have nothing left to give because my soul and heart have not been replenished in years.  

I can't delude myself any longer.  
I just can't, it's killing me inside...and I'm worth more than that.  

I'm worth more...so much more.  

Monday, February 16, 2015

facing fears

I don't think H will ever need/want me with the same consuming need and urgency that I want him. 
And after 26 years together I think I finally need to face this fact.  

I need to stop pretending I can change him or the situation...but the thought of living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage terrifies me and makes my heart hurt. 

Because, of course, I question whether he's seeking sex elsewhere(even with himself)...because he simply doesn't want sex or any kind of intimacy with me.  

At least not with any kind of regularity, and once a month makes me feel unfeminine...unwanted.