Wednesday, November 12, 2014

the "real" question

most of the time I ask difficult questions, he does not want to answer, saying, "that's something we should discuss in therapy".    as if he needs the therapist present in order to tell me the truth.   

what worries me is I'm about to find out things that are going to be very hard to hear.  
He's already been lying to me for years.  

my fear is... 

the reason he hasn't wanted to sleep with me all that often for quite a few years and "faked it" is because deep down he'd rather have a cock instead.  I've read and heard....many guys that hit their 40s and finally come to terms with themselves, that although they don't view themselves as gay, they have a need to have sex with a man.  whether it just be oral only or both.  

these men identify as being straight, 99.9% are married, they just need sex with a man from time to time(some more than others).  

most of these men don't know why they need it, but they do.  some have come to terms with it, while others have suffered for years with their desire, often suffering years of self hate. 

I can't compete with that.  


Ethan Lambert said...

I don't really know you guys... I've read your journals for many years now, and I've heard your side of the story, but I don't REALLY know you two. However, everything I've read so far strongly leads me to believe your husband is struggling with either sexual orientation issues or gender identity issues. You describe a man so full of shame and self loathing that he desperately tries to project that on to you and make it your fault.

If what you suspect is true, then you need to remember something that's incredibly important: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS SEXUAL ORIENTATION. This is NOT something you compete with, something you pray away, or something you overcome by being really good in bed. There is no failure on your part that your husband was born different and fought all his life pretending to be someone he wasn't. And if that's the case, you need to let him go. Deep down inside he may still love you, but he is INCAPABLE of genuinely wanting you, no matter how awesome or hot or funny or intelligent or loving you are.

Love and devotion conquers many things, but it does not conquer biology.

You're allowed to mourn your loss, you're allowed to be angry that he made you feel like you've done something wrong when all you've done is cater to his fantasies, and you're allowed to despair for awhile because this is a tragedy. But what you can no longer do, what you have NO RIGHT to do, is continue to blame yourself and harm yourself over this. Monkey Girl is going through a terrible loss, and she needs you to stop blaming her for it start helping get past this.

I'll be holding my breath until we hear the results of that talk.

JFBreak said...

It's interesting. I read this post and thought for much of it you could be describing me. In my case, my wife knows of my bisexuality but I don't think she, or really I have ever tied that to my lack of interest in sex with her.

Then I read Ethan's comment and it really adds up. I don't think I have that same shame and self loathing that perhaps your husband does, but it sure makes sense.

He offers some valuable insight, I believe.

monkey girl said...

Your blog was one of many I thought of as an example.
I didn't realize you weren't interested in sex with your wife either though....but it fits the mold.
I'd be interested to hear more of your thoughts.
Thank you for commenting.

JFBreak said...

So a couple of things that might be helpful to know.

I don't think I'm the norm, even among bi guys. My lack of interest in sex with my wife maybe has a little to do with being bi, but mostly has to do with the other factors that cause straight men not to crave sex with their wives. And just to be clear, I do crave sex with women in general, but just not enough to have an affair.

My issues with my wife stem from personality issues between us that over the years have determined are much easier to just live with than attempt to fix. The easiest way to describe it is, imagine being bitched at for several hours before bed but then getting in bed and being asked to "make love". Over the years, even though we get along for the most part, that inner anger from years of conflict (arguments) really put out the flame for anything sexual.

Our marriage is a partnership between friends, but not even best friends. I don't dislike my wife and I certainly have not interest in divorce. But I give her the dick (she takes it, really) once a week, she always initiates, and she is satisfied, though wishes it was two or three times a week.

In fairness, she knows I am completely open to her having her needs met by others, though she has not (to my knowledge) used that privileged in quite some time.

I do know men who were married and it took them years of marriage before they really came out to themselves. One of my colleagues tells me about how he would do anything to avoid sex with his wife and before he actually came out to her, it had been over a year since they had sex.

He now has a great relationship with his ex-wife.

I don't know enough about your husband to say if he is gay or bi or what, but the point is, maybe he is. Once you figure that out, you can figure out what the next step is.

monkey girl said...

thank you so much for your comments and feedback. it gives me some perspective, and I'm always interested to understand more.
thank you again,