Sunday, November 2, 2014

answers...

I will probably never get them.  

I've written emails upon emails filled with questions...questions that will obviously go unanswered.   They weren't rhetorical questions, yet not once has he ever responded to an email, not once. 

What restraint that must take...too never tell your side of things, never set the record "straight". 

I couldn't imagine my spouse writing to me over the years, and yet choosing time and time again to never return an email or even mention them to him.  To ignore them.  That is unimaginable to me, I could never do that to my spouse/husband.  

And that is exactly what he does, ignores them, as if they never existed, were never sent, the words never thought of...never put on paper, never in my heart, or felt...just ignored.  

Do you know what it is like to be ignored by your spouse?   Have you ever been?  Maybe after a fight?  For a couple of hours?

Now imagine that for days...weeks...years.  Every time you wanted answers to questions about your marriage...important, serious, life altering questions and your spouse simply ignored you?  Or said, "I don't know?"  when obviously there was something deeply wrong and yet they wouldn't share, wouldn't tell you and when they were tired of the questions, they ignored you...and this went on for years.   How would you deal with it?  

To see your spouse slipping away from you and there's not a fucking thing you can do because they won't let you in.  Won't share with you what's wrong.  

The truth is, you can't do a damn thing.  

He chose for years to keep me on the outside.  I've been fighting with fucking everything I've got to try and be part of a marriage where he shares nothing with me.  Nothing but pleasantries.  

and then I begged...begged to be in my own marriage.   

I held on to my ego, but really, what was the point?  So I begged.  
I sank to my knees in the hallway of his apartment and in between sobbing I begged him.  

I can't imagine the amount of indifference it must of taken for him to sit, stare and say nothing.   

It's Sunday, November 2, 2014.   

On Valentine's Day of 2013, he bought me a car.  A lovely car, one I'd always wanted.  

I don't recognize my life anymore...nor do I recognize the man I'm married to.  



3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would beg you to find a Divorce Care group in your area. I have been exactly where you are and this group is literally a life saver. divorcecare.org

Anonymous said...

thank you for your advice.
best,
monkey girl

Ethan Lambert said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I wish there was something I can say to help. May I ask: what happened?