Sunday, November 30, 2014

marriage counseling

twice a week.  

surprise surprise surprise. 

sex(made love) last night.  

I'll talk about it later I'm still in shock.  

Friday, November 28, 2014

I can't let it go...

did you or did you not say that from the VERY BEGINNING, that the separation was supposed to be temporary?  you said we simply needed space?  you kept telling me how I felt.   

isn't that what you said? 
(words words words...)

of course this is before I found out 7-8 months ago how you made sure your mother's china made it safely to your apartment.
because, it made me realize that, you NEVER saw the separation as temporary.  if you had you wouldn't have been so fucking worried about the god damn china you didn't give a shit about for 26 years.    

but you keep telling me, you want this marriage to work.  
words words words....

and yet your actions were that you told your mother our relationship was long over before we even moved into separate apartments. 

that doesn't sound like someone who's going into the separation with the mind set that it's temporary.   

when your brother called and told you not to worry there's light at the end of your (very dark) tunnel, that his divorce was difficult as well, but chin up....

sounds like you'd already made up your mind.  

why should I believe anything you say now?

...and why can't I just let it go?

Monday, November 17, 2014

the cuckoo's nest...

I may be out of the cuckoo's nest but only by a hop, skip and a jump.  

Today was my first full day of the hospital's outpatient program.  Supposedly, I'm doing this "voluntarily" however when they had me sign paperwork, apparently they thought I didn't see the part where it stated "if they felt I'd be better served by returning to the hospital program...yada yada yada, I'm giving the doctors my permission to yank my ass back to the psych ward just by signing on the dotted line of this outpatient intake form".   
Yeah, I crossed that section out and initialed it before I signed on the bottom line...cause I'm anal that way.  

I've been someone who's sought out therapy since a left for university.  

I had a rather hard childhood, and thought therapy could help me cope once I was in the real world.   
I've had some fantastic therapists.  It often took going thru some real duds to find those awesome ones tho, but it was worth it.  

So today, when I'm meeting what I would call the "Elmer Fudd" of the therapy world, it doesn't fill me with a lot of hope. 
Nor does this, cattle them in, dose them up, use CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) on them, and 2-4 weeks later shove them back out on the streets.  

I find it: insulting, harmful, and "just out to fleece" patients and insurance companies.  

Thursday, November 13, 2014


came home at lunchtime today.  it's good to finally be home.  

I start an outpatient program next week.  not sure how I feel about that yet, but I'm keeping an open mind. 

thank you for all the support, loving messages and emails.  most of you, have read me for years, and commented or emailed me, I feel like I know you.  thank you for your love and compassion.  

it truly saddened me to see some of the people in there, especially this one girl who couldn't be more than 23 years old. 

she was so sad, so defeated, felt so unloved and worthless.  and even at what I thought was 300 pds, she's beautiful, just this kind hearted little baby girl who wants to color with crayons.  

all she really needs is a strong Daddy to love and guide her and teach her how to love herself and see herself as she is:  a beautiful girl.  

and she's not going to get that there at the hospital.  and over the two and a half days I just saw her sinking.  breaks my heart. 

there's a whole other world out there of people just like her and Daddies who would love and cherish her....unfortunately I'm sure she doesn't know about the bdsm world and it's kinks.  or age play, etc.  

all I can do, is put some good thoughts out into the universe for her, and hope she finds her way before it's too late. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

the "real" question

most of the time I ask difficult questions, he does not want to answer, saying, "that's something we should discuss in therapy".    as if he needs the therapist present in order to tell me the truth.   

what worries me is I'm about to find out things that are going to be very hard to hear.  
He's already been lying to me for years.  

my fear is... 

the reason he hasn't wanted to sleep with me all that often for quite a few years and "faked it" is because deep down he'd rather have a cock instead.  I've read and heard....many guys that hit their 40s and finally come to terms with themselves, that although they don't view themselves as gay, they have a need to have sex with a man.  whether it just be oral only or both.  

these men identify as being straight, 99.9% are married, they just need sex with a man from time to time(some more than others).  

most of these men don't know why they need it, but they do.  some have come to terms with it, while others have suffered for years with their desire, often suffering years of self hate. 

I can't compete with that.  

a new low

in a moment of sheer hopelessness I made a stupid decision, and now I find myself locked in a psych ward for the next 3 days(at least).

I know some of you won't understand how someone could do that, but when you've been with someone since you were 19 and view that person as your soulmate, there's no line You wouldn't cross(suicide). 

I realize that now.  

maybe someday I'll talk about that night the cops showed up at my door.  It certainly had its funny moments....and scary ones too.  

nothing is scarier than a short, white man with power(one of the cops)...and I have the bruises to prove it.  

classic 'short man' complex combined with a need to abuse authority....awesome combination.

but I wanted to let you know, I'm ok.  I'll update the blog and keep everyone posted on my progress, fingers crossed I come home in 3 days.  


Monday, November 10, 2014


I've lived with it for years.  

every time I knew in my heart something was wrong, but he told me He was fine, or that I was overreacting, overanalyzing I chose to believe his words instead of his actions.  
not 100%, but enough that we'd go on with our life, marriage and pretend everything was ok...until the next time he had to reassure me that everything was ok when it really wasn't.   

what a shitty way to live.  A lie really.  

I hated it.  I loved him with everything I had(I still do) but I hated the way we were living our life, squandering it.  

there are so many journal entries where I mention I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 
well, it dropped alright.  

and now I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop.   

Sunday, November 2, 2014


I will probably never get them.  

I've written emails upon emails filled with questions...questions that will obviously go unanswered.   They weren't rhetorical questions, yet not once has he ever responded to an email, not once. 

What restraint that must take...too never tell your side of things, never set the record "straight". 

I couldn't imagine my spouse writing to me over the years, and yet choosing time and time again to never return an email or even mention them to him.  To ignore them.  That is unimaginable to me, I could never do that to my spouse/husband.  

And that is exactly what he does, ignores them, as if they never existed, were never sent, the words never thought of...never put on paper, never in my heart, or felt...just ignored.  

Do you know what it is like to be ignored by your spouse?   Have you ever been?  Maybe after a fight?  For a couple of hours?

Now imagine that for days...weeks...years.  Every time you wanted answers to questions about your marriage...important, serious, life altering questions and your spouse simply ignored you?  Or said, "I don't know?"  when obviously there was something deeply wrong and yet they wouldn't share, wouldn't tell you and when they were tired of the questions, they ignored you...and this went on for years.   How would you deal with it?  

To see your spouse slipping away from you and there's not a fucking thing you can do because they won't let you in.  Won't share with you what's wrong.  

The truth is, you can't do a damn thing.  

He chose for years to keep me on the outside.  I've been fighting with fucking everything I've got to try and be part of a marriage where he shares nothing with me.  Nothing but pleasantries.  

and then I begged...begged to be in my own marriage.   

I held on to my ego, but really, what was the point?  So I begged.  
I sank to my knees in the hallway of his apartment and in between sobbing I begged him.  

I can't imagine the amount of indifference it must of taken for him to sit, stare and say nothing.   

It's Sunday, November 2, 2014.   

On Valentine's Day of 2013, he bought me a car.  A lovely car, one I'd always wanted.  

I don't recognize my life anymore...nor do I recognize the man I'm married to.