Saturday, September 27, 2014

his anger...

His anger for me is enormous.  when I see him, it vibrates off his body. 
there is this look of indifference, combined with a unsettled rage, that appears like it might explode at any second.  

I've learned to ignore it.  I must...I have too.  
it's no longer my place to ask what is wrong, or to want to help him. 

but it eats at me...for it hurts me to see him hurting.   

today as I sat at the park, I realized I must just walk away.   I've felt this many times over the last few years, but now I realize we are just hurting one another.  Him, with distinct purpose, me, because I have questions he refuses to answer...that I somehow thought I needed for closure. 

I have been waiting for years for him to be like his old self, to snap out of whatever has this visegrip on him.   
the truth is, that may never happen.  this may be who he is now...and I do not know this new person, nor do i like him.  

this is not the man I married...I don't even see the man I married in there anywhere.  

I've been fighting this voice of reason that tells me there is nothing here for me, and yet walking away, after 26 years, is the single hardest choice I feel I'll ever have to make. 

I do not make him happy.  
He has told me he no longer is in love with me. 

so what exactly am I holding on to?  or hoping for? 

over the last 3-4 years this is the man he is NOW.  I guess I naïvely thought that maybe if I said or did something, he would come back to me.  

that is not the case.   


JFBreak said...

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

monkey girl said...

thank you, hopefully it will make me a stronger person.