Saturday, September 27, 2014

his anger...

His anger for me is enormous.  when I see him, it vibrates off his body. 
there is this look of indifference, combined with a unsettled rage, that appears like it might explode at any second.  

I've learned to ignore it.  I must...I have too.  
it's no longer my place to ask what is wrong, or to want to help him. 

but it eats at me...for it hurts me to see him hurting.   

today as I sat at the park, I realized I must just walk away.   I've felt this many times over the last few years, but now I realize we are just hurting one another.  Him, with distinct purpose, me, because I have questions he refuses to answer...that I somehow thought I needed for closure. 

I have been waiting for years for him to be like his old self, to snap out of whatever has this visegrip on him.   
the truth is, that may never happen.  this may be who he is now...and I do not know this new person, nor do i like him.  

this is not the man I married...I don't even see the man I married in there anywhere.  

I've been fighting this voice of reason that tells me there is nothing here for me, and yet walking away, after 26 years, is the single hardest choice I feel I'll ever have to make. 

I do not make him happy.  
He has told me he no longer is in love with me. 

so what exactly am I holding on to?  or hoping for? 

over the last 3-4 years this is the man he is NOW.  I guess I na├»vely thought that maybe if I said or did something, he would come back to me.  

that is not the case.   

back to where we started...

Friday, September 26, 2014

the marriage counselor

two and a half weeks ago we sat in his office.   

our 2nd marriage counselor...and truthfully, I really liked this one.  
until he sat us down and told us that he didn't think we were good candidates for marriage counseling.  

honestly, I didn't even know how to react to that...I was in shock.  H just sat there.  

did this mean our marriage wasn't even worth saving?  had he consulted H's therapist and she'd said something that led him to this conclusion?

what was there left to say really?


come back to me...

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

will it take...

is it going to take the eminence of my death to make you realize that I matter to you?

or will I actually have to die first?

do you?

do you remember falling in love with me?

the how...
the why...

do you?  do you even remember the truth?