Friday, December 26, 2014

getting thru the holidays...

we've been seeing the marriage counselor now once, twice, sometimes three times a week.  

I swear I sit down, and it's like the faucet turns on and my tears just flow for the next 60 minutes.  

for every step forward, we seem to take two steps back, as we try to learn how to communicate to each other in a healthy way after 12 months of us barely speaking to each other.  
and it's hard.  

H pushes me to move on and "get over" the last 2.5 years, but there are some things I won't be able to "get over" until we talk them out.   I need him to hear me...perhaps for the 1st time in a long time. 
and I need some validation that he's responsible for a lot of what happened. 

until I get that, I'm not sure I can move on...and that pisses him off.  

sometimes it seems we fight almost every night, and I keep waiting for him to finally say that he's done.  waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

only just last week the therapist wanted to start talking about our sex life.  
fuck, that's got me worried and stressed.

I can feel more tears coming on.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Monday, December 8, 2014

trust...

do I just throw caution into the wind and trust him?  

my heart wants to, but my head remembers when I threatened to swallow 30+ morphine tablets(which I did, and he knew this) and he chose to stay at work for another hour or so and not rush home.   

how important can I really be if he sits at work knowing I'm potentially taking my life, and yet he sits at work and does nothing.  

this is what goes thru my mind every time he says let's move forward, and put the past behind us and move on.   

I'm not sure I can forget something like that.   how can someone feel so callously indifferent about a person one day, and then profess their love to them the next?  

was everything he said to hurt me a lie?  I find that hard to believe.  

I wish I knew the truth, but I don't think I ever will, and can I move on with him without knowing all the answers?

 

Friday, December 5, 2014

don't know what to think of this...


this is his tumbler acct.  or was, it's since been deleted.  

the title says a lot tho...and I'm at a loss if he thinks the last few years I've been going thru a midlife crisis.  shocked, really. 

I feel like he's projecting.  many journal entries of mine I write about this actual idea that he's been going thru a mid-life crisis.  ...and when I found the glossy Maserati pamphlet addressed to him a few weeks ago when I was over at his place, it really just supported my idea.  

even the title is a put down.  he'd started saying a few years ago he felt like a "comfortable old shoe" meaning boring, average, etc... (his words) he kept saying, "I know you see me this way."  and no matter how much I told him the sheer ridiculousness in that statement, and that putting words in my mouth pissed me off, he still believed it(obviously still does).  

he couldn't have been further from the truth though.   I didn't know any other way to explain it, than the way I did.   

he had been pulling away from the marriage/relationship.  I felt it, I questioned him about it.  he said he didn't know what I was talking about, or sometimes ignored the question altogether. 

the more he pulled away, the more I panicked.  he seemed angry all the time. and I started to withdraw when he was angry. the sex was virtually non-existent. I tried, and he wasn't interested and told me so...I started to suspect he was fucking someone else. the angrier I got.  the more he pulled away

it was a vicious cycle. 



but I still loved him.  that never changed.  




I still do. 




Sunday, November 30, 2014

marriage counseling



twice a week.  



surprise surprise surprise. 



sex(made love) last night.  


I'll talk about it later I'm still in shock.  

Friday, November 28, 2014

I can't let it go...

did you or did you not say that from the VERY BEGINNING, that the separation was supposed to be temporary?  you said we simply needed space?  you kept telling me how I felt.   

isn't that what you said? 
(words words words...)

of course this is before I found out 7-8 months ago how you made sure your mother's china made it safely to your apartment.
   
because, it made me realize that, you NEVER saw the separation as temporary.  if you had you wouldn't have been so fucking worried about the god damn china you didn't give a shit about for 26 years.    

but you keep telling me, you want this marriage to work.  
words words words....

and yet your actions were that you told your mother our relationship was long over before we even moved into separate apartments. 

that doesn't sound like someone who's going into the separation with the mind set that it's temporary.   

when your brother called and told you not to worry there's light at the end of your (very dark) tunnel, that his divorce was difficult as well, but chin up....

sounds like you'd already made up your mind.  

why should I believe anything you say now?


...and why can't I just let it go?

Monday, November 17, 2014

the cuckoo's nest...

I may be out of the cuckoo's nest but only by a hop, skip and a jump.  

Today was my first full day of the hospital's outpatient program.  Supposedly, I'm doing this "voluntarily" however when they had me sign paperwork, apparently they thought I didn't see the part where it stated "if they felt I'd be better served by returning to the hospital program...yada yada yada, I'm giving the doctors my permission to yank my ass back to the psych ward just by signing on the dotted line of this outpatient intake form".   
Yeah, I crossed that section out and initialed it before I signed on the bottom line...cause I'm anal that way.  

I've been someone who's sought out therapy since a left for university.  

I had a rather hard childhood, and thought therapy could help me cope once I was in the real world.   
I've had some fantastic therapists.  It often took going thru some real duds to find those awesome ones tho, but it was worth it.  

So today, when I'm meeting what I would call the "Elmer Fudd" of the therapy world, it doesn't fill me with a lot of hope. 
Nor does this, cattle them in, dose them up, use CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) on them, and 2-4 weeks later shove them back out on the streets.  

I find it: insulting, harmful, and "just out to fleece" patients and insurance companies.  


Thursday, November 13, 2014

home

came home at lunchtime today.  it's good to finally be home.  

I start an outpatient program next week.  not sure how I feel about that yet, but I'm keeping an open mind. 

thank you for all the support, loving messages and emails.  most of you, have read me for years, and commented or emailed me, I feel like I know you.  thank you for your love and compassion.  

it truly saddened me to see some of the people in there, especially this one girl who couldn't be more than 23 years old. 

she was so sad, so defeated, felt so unloved and worthless.  and even at what I thought was 300 pds, she's beautiful, just this kind hearted little baby girl who wants to color with crayons.  

all she really needs is a strong Daddy to love and guide her and teach her how to love herself and see herself as she is:  a beautiful girl.  

and she's not going to get that there at the hospital.  and over the two and a half days I just saw her sinking.  breaks my heart. 

there's a whole other world out there of people just like her and Daddies who would love and cherish her....unfortunately I'm sure she doesn't know about the bdsm world and it's kinks.  or age play, etc.  

all I can do, is put some good thoughts out into the universe for her, and hope she finds her way before it's too late. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

the "real" question

most of the time I ask difficult questions, he does not want to answer, saying, "that's something we should discuss in therapy".    as if he needs the therapist present in order to tell me the truth.   

what worries me is I'm about to find out things that are going to be very hard to hear.  
He's already been lying to me for years.  

my fear is... 

the reason he hasn't wanted to sleep with me all that often for quite a few years and "faked it" is because deep down he'd rather have a cock instead.  I've read and heard....many guys that hit their 40s and finally come to terms with themselves, that although they don't view themselves as gay, they have a need to have sex with a man.  whether it just be oral only or both.  

these men identify as being straight, 99.9% are married, they just need sex with a man from time to time(some more than others).  

most of these men don't know why they need it, but they do.  some have come to terms with it, while others have suffered for years with their desire, often suffering years of self hate. 

I can't compete with that.  

a new low

in a moment of sheer hopelessness I made a stupid decision, and now I find myself locked in a psych ward for the next 3 days(at least).

I know some of you won't understand how someone could do that, but when you've been with someone since you were 19 and view that person as your soulmate, there's no line You wouldn't cross(suicide). 

I realize that now.  

maybe someday I'll talk about that night the cops showed up at my door.  It certainly had its funny moments....and scary ones too.  

nothing is scarier than a short, white man with power(one of the cops)...and I have the bruises to prove it.  

classic 'short man' complex combined with a need to abuse authority....awesome combination.

but I wanted to let you know, I'm ok.  I'll update the blog and keep everyone posted on my progress, fingers crossed I come home in 3 days.  

hugs.   

Monday, November 10, 2014

denial

I've lived with it for years.  

every time I knew in my heart something was wrong, but he told me He was fine, or that I was overreacting, overanalyzing I chose to believe his words instead of his actions.  
not 100%, but enough that we'd go on with our life, marriage and pretend everything was ok...until the next time he had to reassure me that everything was ok when it really wasn't.   

what a shitty way to live.  A lie really.  

I hated it.  I loved him with everything I had(I still do) but I hated the way we were living our life, squandering it.  

there are so many journal entries where I mention I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 
well, it dropped alright.  

and now I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop.   


Sunday, November 2, 2014

answers...

I will probably never get them.  

I've written emails upon emails filled with questions...questions that will obviously go unanswered.   They weren't rhetorical questions, yet not once has he ever responded to an email, not once. 

What restraint that must take...too never tell your side of things, never set the record "straight". 

I couldn't imagine my spouse writing to me over the years, and yet choosing time and time again to never return an email or even mention them to him.  To ignore them.  That is unimaginable to me, I could never do that to my spouse/husband.  

And that is exactly what he does, ignores them, as if they never existed, were never sent, the words never thought of...never put on paper, never in my heart, or felt...just ignored.  

Do you know what it is like to be ignored by your spouse?   Have you ever been?  Maybe after a fight?  For a couple of hours?

Now imagine that for days...weeks...years.  Every time you wanted answers to questions about your marriage...important, serious, life altering questions and your spouse simply ignored you?  Or said, "I don't know?"  when obviously there was something deeply wrong and yet they wouldn't share, wouldn't tell you and when they were tired of the questions, they ignored you...and this went on for years.   How would you deal with it?  

To see your spouse slipping away from you and there's not a fucking thing you can do because they won't let you in.  Won't share with you what's wrong.  

The truth is, you can't do a damn thing.  

He chose for years to keep me on the outside.  I've been fighting with fucking everything I've got to try and be part of a marriage where he shares nothing with me.  Nothing but pleasantries.  

and then I begged...begged to be in my own marriage.   

I held on to my ego, but really, what was the point?  So I begged.  
I sank to my knees in the hallway of his apartment and in between sobbing I begged him.  

I can't imagine the amount of indifference it must of taken for him to sit, stare and say nothing.   

It's Sunday, November 2, 2014.   

On Valentine's Day of 2013, he bought me a car.  A lovely car, one I'd always wanted.  

I don't recognize my life anymore...nor do I recognize the man I'm married to.  



Friday, October 31, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

a little bit more...

every day I find out a little bit more.  

a lie he told...
a truth he neglected to mention...

on Friday he said he wanted to work things out, wanted to go to marriage counselling.  

I'm not sure why he wants this though. 

over the weekend, I sent 2 texts, each were ignored...not just ignored but he turned off his phone immediately after these texts were received.  as if somehow, he could pretend he never received them.  isn't that right? 

that doesn't sound like someone who wants to "work on our marriage".  

my gut feeling is, he doesn't really want to work on the marriage.  he's just trying to placate me(for the next two years?) till our youngest leaves for college.  

then I don't think he'll even bother, not that he's really bothering now.  


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

what do i do?

really?  I need to know.  

what do you do when the person you've loved for over half your life, no longer loves you?

no longer wants to be with you...what do you do?  

how do you pick up the pieces and move on?

he's been part of me since I was 19.  
I turn 46 next month. 

he's held my hand thru my cancer, the death of my father.  
he knows things I've never told anyone else, things I barely wanted to know about myself.  

he's been my lover, my father, my husband, and my best friend.  

and now, he's none of those, by his own choice. 

so what do I do now?  

Monday, October 20, 2014

a decision was made...

I don't think he believes much of what I say.  
the other night, I waited for some sign that he truly cared about my well being.   maybe he simply didn't believe me when I told him how many pills I had washed down with vodka...yet I knew he heard me.  his careless remark proved that, "then make yourself puke, roll over and go to sleep".

I wasn't sure I'd survive...I really wasn't.  I'd never taken that many pills before.  yet I'm still alive.   here I am.  

I remember as a child and even as a teenager I didn't understand suicide.  why would someone do that, nothing could be that bad.  

but I never imagined the unbelievable pain one could feel.   a pain so deep all you want is to make it go away.  

I understand it now.  

and I can't promise I won't try again. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

a love withheld

having someone love you for years and then having that love withheld, seemingly just out of reach...hurts worse than never having been loved.  

what made him turn away from me, he says he has no answer.  this is hard for me to believe.  

to physically turn away from you in bed when you are trying to hold onto that person, is a knife thru one's heart and soul.  and yet they don't tell you why. 

all logic tells you to leave.  your brain is telling you, you are no longer loved, so why stay?  

yet your heart doesn't want to believe it, since no words have been spoken. 

yet every day those actions scream at you. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

you.

you are such a cruel fucking bastard.  

the little things

it amazes me how he feels like he holds no responsibility for the way things are...

the pettiness, the absolute pettiness he's displayed over the littlest things to get a rise out of me...and sadly, most times it works.  

just this week I found out he took my name off our joint banking account...deposited healthcare checks into a savings account that only he has access too.  yet he tells me he told me about this all months ago.  lol.  seriously it's laughable.  

it's almost like, if he says it, it must be true, so he believes it.  I tell him differently and argue with him, he tells me to stop having a "manic" episode.   a word he'd know that would rub me the wrong way.  

I have no idea who he is anymore...and I'm finding it very hard to like him.  

Saturday, September 27, 2014

his anger...


His anger for me is enormous.  when I see him, it vibrates off his body. 
there is this look of indifference, combined with a unsettled rage, that appears like it might explode at any second.  

I've learned to ignore it.  I must...I have too.  
it's no longer my place to ask what is wrong, or to want to help him. 

but it eats at me...for it hurts me to see him hurting.   

today as I sat at the park, I realized I must just walk away.   I've felt this many times over the last few years, but now I realize we are just hurting one another.  Him, with distinct purpose, me, because I have questions he refuses to answer...that I somehow thought I needed for closure. 

I have been waiting for years for him to be like his old self, to snap out of whatever has this visegrip on him.   
the truth is, that may never happen.  this may be who he is now...and I do not know this new person, nor do i like him.  

this is not the man I married...I don't even see the man I married in there anywhere.  

I've been fighting this voice of reason that tells me there is nothing here for me, and yet walking away, after 26 years, is the single hardest choice I feel I'll ever have to make. 

I do not make him happy.  
He has told me he no longer is in love with me. 

so what exactly am I holding on to?  or hoping for? 

over the last 3-4 years this is the man he is NOW.  I guess I na├»vely thought that maybe if I said or did something, he would come back to me.  

that is not the case.   


back to where we started...

Friday, September 26, 2014

the marriage counselor

two and a half weeks ago we sat in his office.   

our 2nd marriage counselor...and truthfully, I really liked this one.  
until he sat us down and told us that he didn't think we were good candidates for marriage counseling.  

honestly, I didn't even know how to react to that...I was in shock.  H just sat there.  

did this mean our marriage wasn't even worth saving?  had he consulted H's therapist and she'd said something that led him to this conclusion?

what was there left to say really?

...

come back to me...

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

will it take...

is it going to take the eminence of my death to make you realize that I matter to you?

or will I actually have to die first?

do you?

do you remember falling in love with me?

the how...
the why...

do you?  do you even remember the truth?