Thursday, April 4, 2013

my white picket fence...

I never dreamt of the typical white picket fence.
After years in state care, and later adopted, I only hoped for an existence free from loneliness, guilt, violence, and mental illness(my mother's).

Those things seem so far away now that I'm free from them.
But then, they encompassed my everyday life and I hated that life.
The day I knew I'd be free was the day my real life would begin.
My life.
My own.
No one else's.

That was what I dreamed of....being free.

At whatever cost, I craved it, needed it.

Two weeks to the day after I graduated from high school, I moved out, and left early for college.

I never looked back.

My white picket fence was a shabby one room apartment across the street from the university. God, it was ugly, but it was mine. Green carpet, 1970s decor and all, and I loved it.

Every year my white picket fence changed. Each one left its own mark on me and I on it. From sleepy college town to The City....to another country.

Sometimes I feel I might still be waiting for my real life to begin. But then I look around, see the faces of those I love, see the little things I've collected along the way....and realise, this is My Journey.

Even when I was a skinny little girl with a different name waiting for a family to love me. That was My Journey then.

My white picket fence is so different but it's mine.


3 comments:

CuriousRob said...

I'd say that's a oretty good attitude to have: make the best of your current situation, incorporate it into your picket fence, but not be afraid to strive for something better. It seems like you've struck a pretty good balance thus far.

CuriousRob said...

I hate this phones keyboard! *pretty good attitude. Grr

monkey girl said...

Thanks CRob, I try, some days are better than others. ;)