Wednesday, March 27, 2013


I lost a friend today.

She didn't want many people knowing she had breast cancer. I understood her reasoning. She was private. She wanted to focus her energy positively. She didn't want those pitying looks people can't help but give when they know you're sick.

She was only ten years older than me. So young. So full of life. Always smiling and with a hug ready for everyone who knew her.

I will miss her.
I wish I'd been able to know her better.

I remember the last time I saw her.
She knew I'd been sick and had been in and out of the hospital for tests. After my morning hug, she laid her hands on my hands and arms. Transferring her energy to me. Slowing running her hands over the areas she knew gave me the most trouble. I'll remember that as our last moment together. Hands touching.

Her eyes were so blue and upturned from a lifetime of smiling.

A lifetime that was too short.

I will miss you Marguerite.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


As we celebrate Passover this week, I'm reminded of how blessed my family is.... Our oldest is on spring break this week. She's testing her limits and spreading her wings....and driving H and I into an early grave.

She neglected to tell us last Thursday that she and her roommate were taking a road trip to California. It wasn't till she sent a photo of themselves obviously in San Francisco that I figured it out and let H know.

Soon her "wild adventure" as she called it vs. me calling it plain ass crazy to not know where you're going or where you'll be sleeping at night, was quite clear.

We've been trying to stay one step ahead of them. Calling friends and family so that they can "couch surf" their way down California instead sleep in the car on the side of the road(which was their plan).

So in SF, I called some close family friends(the girls godfathers). They took the girls out to dinner in the Castro and had them sleep in the guest room for the night.

The next afternoon, she sent a pic from the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which is just miles from our old home. I knew they'd end up on Auntie's(my bff) doorstep in Pebble Beach eventually. Sure enough, a few hours later they did.

This pattern repeated itself over and over till they were in Los Angeles. Couch surfing their way down the coast of California showing up unexpectedly at family and friend's houses along the way. Of course, all of them were "on call" and expecting them. What they didn't know was H and I had been calling our family and friends to make sure someone was around when they were passing thru town. All the while, H was going crazy tracking her(and the roommate) on her cell phone to be sure they were safe.

Our family and friends opened their homes to them, fed them, gave them beds to sleep in, hugged them and sent them on their way. Under the guise that they were surprised to see her and meet her new roommate. And for that we are blessed.
These wonderful people love her as much as we do....and worry about her as much as we do. And somehow understand her need at 19, to assert her independence in her own way.
They all certainly remember me at 19(most of them) and shake their heads and smile and remember all the crazy stuff we did then too.

And somehow we survived it.
We were blessed then and we are blessed now.

Happy Passover friends.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

asking permission....

I knew I had to ask. You told me so.
Wait till you're close, you said.
As if it were that easy.
As my finger rubbed the hardness of my clit,
As my back began to arch,
And my eyes began to flutter,
Please may I cum, I asked.

No, you said.
Stop, you said.
Fuck, don't make me stop, but I did.
Lick your fingers, you said.
As I raised my hand, you placed it in your mouth.
Every suck on my fingers made me wet.
Every lick made me groan.

Start again, you said.
I placed my hand on my cunt.
You placed your hand on my throat.
My hand began to twitch.
Your hand began to squeeze.
I'm close, I said.
You best stop, you said.

Will you ever let me cum, I asked.
Oh yes, you said.
With one hand holding both of mine,
Your other hand slapped my cunt.
My back arched.
Your fingers reached inside me.
Your mouth sealed my scream as I came in your hand.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

keeping my eyes open...

there's been a lot of uncertainty these past few weeks, perhaps even months.

it's left me a bit unsteady.
a little on edge.
more than I'd like to admit to anyone, even myself.

bit by bit this past week, the clouds are clearing.
my head is less full.
my heart less fragile, perhaps.

last year, I kept my eyes so tightly shut.
even last month my eyes were closed.
slowly I can see some light peeking in.

things are starting to take shape.
colours are starting to come back.
I can taste everything a little more now.

my mind reminds me to be cautious.
I don't want to be this time.
not this time.

Friday, March 8, 2013

A few words

The steadiness of a strong voice.
The understanding of an empathic heart.
An electrifying hitch of my breath.
An instant connection.

The smile that spreads across my face.
The warmth I feel in my chest.
An unbelievable feeling of intimacy.
An exacting pinpoint of need.


To be so clearly seen.
To be so clearly heard.
To be so clearly felt.
To be so clearly wanted.

Thank you.

Sunday, March 3, 2013


I feel so foolish when someone shows me the truth...and it's so far from what I've been believing all along.

No one likes to be played the fool. But when you care for that person, it makes the heart hurt all the more.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Please forgive me...

If I'm repeating myself I hope you can forgive me. Even if I've told this story before, it needs repeating. If not just for the humour.

As many Californians know when traveling down any highway...that not so faint waft of wonderus skunk smell that seems to sneak up on you.

These poor little critters seem to always choose some inopportune time to cross the road....and their scent then lasts for days.

You'll often see them on the road, possums too. The common roadkill in California.

When we moved to Washington, you don't see any skunks, or smell them either. I'm not sure if it's the climate or that Washington skunks are just smarter. The possums sure aren't, that's for sure.

However, when we lived in Singapore, the roadkill was a far different creature. So you'll have to forgive me the first time I came across my first monkey roadkill on the freeway.