Saturday, September 29, 2012

Hello Portland

Not much has changed since our move. I still drive monkey to school in the morning, pick up in the afternoon. The animals still need walking, etc.

Our new house will take awhile to get used to...different sounds at night. I still sleep on the same side of the bed but have walked in the wrong direction for the bathroom on more than a few occasions. Haven't hurt myself yet.

The streets and freeways seem to be very confusing to me. I'm afraid to get off the freeway for fear I won't be able to get back on.

What can I say, but it's different.

H left today to finish up a few things at our house in Seattle and take our oldest out to lunch.

It's been about a month since she left for college. The dynamics of the household have changed a bit. It feels strange having a child who doesn't live at home anymore.

She called at 11:30pm the other night just to chat. Of course, we'd been asleep for a bit, but didn't tell her that. It's an adjustment for her as well. Calling to complain about how John Terry(Chelsea footballer) was a douchebag...I figured she really just called to talk.

There are boxes everywhere that still need unpacking. My days are limited till H starts to get frustrated with the state of the house.

Everything is in a state of flux and I feel like I'm spread too thin.

Many changes to talk about but not really ready to share yet.

Boring post I know, promise to spice it up next time.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Goodbye Seattle...

Today is our last day in Seattle. Right now I'm hiding in our bedroom as the movers load furniture and boxes onto a truck bound south this afternoon.

I am still ambivalent about this move. I don't know why and crying in my therapist's office Wednesday afternoon didn't bring me any answers except I don't feel ready for the move.

I realize it's a little late now to be's a done deal.

H has been in Portland now for over 3 weeks Mon-Fri. I've been miserable without him, so I feel like I should be relieved if not ecstatic that we will soon be living under the same roof again.

But I know my uneasiness has nothing to do with that. I'm just worried. Worried that kiddo will hate her new school. Worried she'll have a hard time making new friends. Worried that all the confidence she's gained in the last year and a half will be lost. Worried that I won't be able to help her.

Of course I realize this is all beyond my control but knowing that and feeling that are two separate ideas in my head that can't seem to come together.

I keep reminding myself of all the wonderful people waiting for us. Family and friends, excited that we'll be living so close.

Sorry for the whiny post.
I hate change and uncertainty.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Surrender and trust...part 1

Surrender and trust go hand-n-hand in any relationship, not just D/s, M/s or O/p relationships but in vanilla relationships as well.

All successful relationships require a degree of surrender and trust in order to move and grow. But total trust? 100% surrender? How much?

When H and I moved in together, our trust for one another began to build. I trusted that he meant what he said. I trusted that the love he expressed for me was real. I trusted him with my body.

Trusting him came easy.

Surrendering though, would take years to accomplish.

For me surrendering my heart to him and trusting that he would not only care for it but keep it safe...would be the most difficult task I'd encounter.

I didn't use to believe in unconditional love. At least not between two people committed to each other. I thought, perhaps what a mother feels for her child...this must be the closest to unconditional love there is.

Years later when I had our two babies, I felt this. I feel it still. But even as early as a few years ago I doubted that H could love me unconditionally.

How could he? There had to be some transgression I could commit that would stop him from loving me. Right?

If I couldn't love myself and all my flaws, how could he?

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Last weekend...

This is the last weekend H will have to drive 4 hours to come home to us...this time next Saturday we'll be knee deep unpacking boxes and trying to find space for all our belongings.

Our mid-week phone sex sessions will come to an end...and finally be replaced by actual weekday sex. No more weekend only sex. It's been hard to squeeze 5 days worth of sex into just Saturday and Sunday. But we've had fun trying.

We'll keep our house up here, but packing it up feels like saying goodbye.

When we moved up here from California in 2005, I marveled at all the christmas trees that just grew everywhere. "Look christmas trees in their natural habitat!" I'm going to miss my christmas trees.
I'd never driven a car onto a ferry boat before either...there were so many firsts for me here.

I've come to love the pacific northwest. And even though we'll just be 4 hours away and technically we'll still live the pacific northwest, it's going to feel different...and be different.

We muddled thru one goodbye party already. I'm not good with goodbye parties. We have family and friends that live in Portland already, waiting for us to arrive. I'm sure there will be welcome to Portland parties too. I'm sure you can guess I'm not that good with those either. I like to be the party giver not the party receiver. ;)

As soon as we settle and I find my Target store, Trader Joe's, a good Chinese restaurant, Thai, Mexican, etc...I'll be able to relax and take a deep breath.

Until next week...

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

On the road again...

As boxes get packed and memories stored safely away, I reflect on all the places we've lived over the last 20 odd years.

I still remember my first move into H's apartment in the summer of 1988. Back then everything I owned fit into our '78 264 GL Volvo. Those were the days...picking up and moving didn't require much planning or effort.

20 years later, a minimum of three packers will take entire day to pack our belongings. Geez, I feel like a hoarder, but really don't feel like we're attached to all that much. Except of course, for my books. Movers hate books...I learned this little fact years ago. In addition to my vintage dish collection. ;) I'm a sucker for anything 1950s/60s. Every new(old) dish that makes its way into our cupboard is proceeded by a lot of eye rolling on H's part. I can hardly blame him. The poor guy, he doesn't understand the love of vintage dishes.

I don't have much to pack before the movers arrive, just those "personal" items that are often kept in one's night table that you'd rather not have strangers seeing or touching. Oh, and my undies and bras. Don't know why but with each move more than a few seem to magically disappear. Ick.

Soon we'll be in another town and another state.

On a positive note, we have friends and family living waiting for us there. It'll be a relief to finally live close to family again...and good kind anyway!

Monday, September 10, 2012

More than a little blah.

Really haven't been in the 'writing' mood as of late. With H working four hours away Monday thru Friday, the weekdays have been dragging. It's been more than a little blah...and lonely.

Then Friday evening rolls around and H is home(yippee!!) but Saturday and Sunday just fly by...poof...and it's Monday again.

On Sunday nights I can't seem to get enough of him. Holding him so tight in bed, not wanting to let go. If I could squeeze him inside myself I would. Keep him there.

Many changes happening. Oldest kiddo left for college. We're down to three...well, two Monday thru Friday. Just little monkey and me...and she's not so little anymore.

Another five years and she'll be off too. Then it'll be down to two.

H and monkey girl.
The original two.

Monday, September 3, 2012

The best laid plans...

I guess Baby had a plan of her own.