Sometimes no matter how prepared I am for the inevitable, I still feel the rug being pulled out from under me. I hate that feeling. It never fails to happen when H is away or unavailable...and I'm left struggling on my own. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
Kiddo #2 came to me last night. Snow White, her dwarf hamster was dying. Although she's quite old and we'd suspected this was coming, it was no less heart breaking as we watched her struggled for breath. Kiddo #2 and I held her for a few hours, talking about how sweet she'd always been. We eventually tucked her into her bed(in her cage) and kissed her goodnight.
By morning she was gone. Kiddo wanted to talk with Daddy and cried on the phone with him. He texted me later upset he couldn't be there to comfort her(and me). Kiddo has been weepy all day...even I felt some tears on my cheek this morning. RIP Snow White. You were very loved and will be missed.
But it was later when monkey girl's friend who is struggling with addiction called that she sorely needed H.
I've talked about her story here before...she's spiraling out of control and taking her family(2 young kids) with her. She called to complain of yet another arrest, her husband's(he's an addict too). But after all that had happened with kiddo and Snow White and H being gone, I just couldn't listen to her rant yet again about how everyone had failed her. I don't doubt I'm on that list as well.
But before I made a hasty goodbye, she told me something she'd told her oldest(who is in grade school). Suddenly, it was like a fire was in my gut...I raged at her. How could she treat this child like an adult, and lay adult responsibilities on her? How could she make this child her confidant? I yelled at her for treating her child like an adult. I screamed at her for not being 'the parent'.
Even now I don't remember all I said. I just remember telling her I couldn't do this anymore...I couldn't listen anymore. And I hung up.
It didn't take me long to realize I wasn't only yelling at her. I was somehow yelling at my own mother, who had done the exact same thing to me. I saw her as she really was...a very mentally ill person. This is no surprise, but the trigger was.
I wish I could help her children, but I doubt I will hear from her again.
I wish I could have been a better friend.