I wish it was easy to do this.
When I decided to restart my blog, I promised myself I'd stop editing and endeavor to be 100% honest.
Even though I've kept that promise in my personal journals, it's been harder than I thought to do it here...anonymous or not. Omitting personal bits and pieces here and there is easy. But they add up.
I told H I wouldn't edit. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised when he called me on my shit the other day. But I was surprised and how strongly he felt about it. He was mad, and didn't hide it.
Even though he called me out on being less than honest, I stalled for a few days about coming clean. Trying to figure out the 'why' of it. Going over in my head how I'd write it.
Last night I finally stopped and realized my lies of omission are hurting me.
I find the following difficult but here goes:
H planned out a very romantic anniversary evening. But really I wasn't feeling it. He'd said a few days before that if I wasn't feeling well, we could push out our "celebration" till that Saturday. Well I wasn't feeling up to celebrating on Tuesday...and I said so. So when he went ahead and planned the evening I felt cornered, like I'd been given a choice but then my answer summarily ignored.
That night after our special dinner and the last minute pick up of our oldest from her pot induced haze, I crawled into bed. When H tried to kiss me I pulled back. I wasn't in the mood and said so. H was at first quiet but then he lost it. Quite literally.
This was new to me. H has never made me feel bad or guilty for rebuffing him. I immediately felt angry. He's told me I can always say no. I didn't understand where his anger was coming from...except sexual frustration maybe.
It's not like we don't have an active sex life(3-5 times a week) or that I'm saying no to his advances all that often.
I do know a great many women who can't say no, however, I'm not one of them.
He expressed his frustration that he'd put a lot of effort into our anniversary evening plans and that I'd been less than receptive. I guess that's true. He seemed to be reading a lot into my rejection. I sincerely was just not in the mood. I was now frustrated and angry that he'd reacted so strongly. As the argument escalated it seemed like we were never going to see eye to eye.
I was confused. Did he really want me to acquiesce to his advances when I didn't want to? This was in complete opposite to what he'd always told me.
Even after a week, I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I think I'll have more to add to this but right now...I'm still confused. How did it get so out of hand?
We both didn't want to go to bed mad...at least we both got what we wanted where that's concerned, if nothing else.