Friday, August 31, 2012

Friday night fun!!

As the hours count down till H comes home tonight...the more desperate I become. H had told me I could freely use the hitachi this week. ;)

But here's the thing, I couldn't come. No matter how hard I tried, and trust me I tried and tried. Even with the hitachi!! All I did get was a clitoris that was on fire and a splitting headache. For FOUR days!!

Last night H talked dirty to me(on the phone) while I used the magic wand. Nothing. Zip.

So now I'm counting down the hours till H comes home.

8 hours and counting.

Too worked up to write a long post...

Monday, August 27, 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel.

H was home by 7pm on Friday. Even though we were so eager to jump into bed, the girls wanted some 'Dad time'.

But by 11pm we were so wrapped up in ourselves the house could've burnt down and I don't think we'd have noticed or cared.

My friends laugh when I complain about H being gone for a few days. They tease me. Some say they wish their husband traveled as much as H does...I never know what to say to them about that. When he's gone, I truly miss him. It's as if I'm a boat and my anchor is gone. I'm truly adrift.

My friends don't know much about our marriage or dynamic. We're private. I know they think we're cute...that he's sweet to me and that I'm glued to him. But I don't share with them and they don't really ask. They're more apt to talk about themselves and/or complain about their marriage.

Sure H can be a doo-doo head(lol) and sometimes a little thoughtless, but I know he loves me. He cares for me, makes me take my yucky medicine, puts me to bed, helps me be the best I can be. I can only hope he knows how much I love him.

Saturday morning I awoke to him sinking inside me. My favorite way to wake up. As he came I wished him a happy birthday.

He stayed in bed while the girls fixed him breakfast. He was such a sport cause by 11am he was starved but the girls were trying their best but frustrated by the sausage that apparently wouldn't cooperate. ;) Eventually cinnamon rolls and homemade sausage mcmuffin with eggs was served(sausage, fried egg, with cheddar cheese on an English muffin. It was wonderful and H is always a happy man when finally fed.

Later we went to the bookstore, pet store(new dwarf hamster) and dinner.

By Sunday nite he was packing up again for the week and I was getting teary. He decided to stay the night and leave early the next morning. Yes, I'm a very bad influence.

This morning after two trips back to our bedroom to kiss goodbye, he was on his way.

This week he moves into the house he found for us. Soon there will be a moving company packing up our nic nacs and moving them to our new home. It'll be a new adventure.

My home is wherever H is...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Where monkey girl loses it.

Sometimes no matter how prepared I am for the inevitable, I still feel the rug being pulled out from under me. I hate that feeling. It never fails to happen when H is away or unavailable...and I'm left struggling on my own. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.

Kiddo #2 came to me last night. Snow White, her dwarf hamster was dying. Although she's quite old and we'd suspected this was coming, it was no less heart breaking as we watched her struggled for breath. Kiddo #2 and I held her for a few hours, talking about how sweet she'd always been. We eventually tucked her into her bed(in her cage) and kissed her goodnight.
By morning she was gone. Kiddo wanted to talk with Daddy and cried on the phone with him. He texted me later upset he couldn't be there to comfort her(and me). Kiddo has been weepy all day...even I felt some tears on my cheek this morning. RIP Snow White. You were very loved and will be missed.

But it was later when monkey girl's friend who is struggling with addiction called that she sorely needed H.
I've talked about her story here before...she's spiraling out of control and taking her family(2 young kids) with her. She called to complain of yet another arrest, her husband's(he's an addict too). But after all that had happened with kiddo and Snow White and H being gone, I just couldn't listen to her rant yet again about how everyone had failed her. I don't doubt I'm on that list as well.

But before I made a hasty goodbye, she told me something she'd told her oldest(who is in grade school). Suddenly, it was like a fire was in my gut...I raged at her. How could she treat this child like an adult, and lay adult responsibilities on her? How could she make this child her confidant? I yelled at her for treating her child like an adult. I screamed at her for not being 'the parent'.
Even now I don't remember all I said. I just remember telling her I couldn't do this anymore...I couldn't listen anymore. And I hung up.

It didn't take me long to realize I wasn't only yelling at her. I was somehow yelling at my own mother, who had done the exact same thing to me. I saw her as she really was...a very mentally ill person. This is no surprise, but the trigger was.
I wish I could help her children, but I doubt I will hear from her again.

I wish I could have been a better friend.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

This sucks...literally.

H left on Sunday night. I'd hoped he'd wait till Monday morning to drive down to Portland. I wanted one more night with him in bed. Yeah, I know...I'm selfish.

I knew when they called last Thursday night, they'd want him on Monday. Everyone wanted a piece of him, myself included.

And now that he's gone, I can't think of anything else except going down on him. Kissing him, licking him, swallowing him. Every time I start to imagine it I get wet. Sopping, change your panties kind of wet.
It makes me antsy. There's a knot in my gut that physically hurts. A tightness in my chest. My mouth gets dry.

I hate it when he's gone. It brings out all my neediness, my insecurities. I feel unstable. And even though I know he'll be back late Friday night...the weekend will be a blur and I'll be back here sitting alone again.

This sucks.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Pleasure and Pain

Two nights ago H fisted me for the first time(is it just me who dislikes that word?). I wish there was a better term for this type of activity.
We'd tried a few times before but with varying degrees of failure. My body just wouldn't/couldn't cooperate.

If you've never had it done I'm not sure I can describe the simultaneous feeling of pleasure and pain I got from the experience. You know when someone describes pain that hurts "in a good way" it's kinda like that, but better. Much better.

I'd always been curious about fisting. One look at H's hands had kept me from asking for/attempting such a thing for many years. I also wasn't 100% sold on the whole pleasure and pain idea. Although I have a rather high tolerance for pain(suffer from chronic nerve pain due to Lyme) I don't get off on pain. Sure I like to be slapped/spanked/choked a bit but anything harder than that really isn't my thing.

With that said, I do like the "feeling of fullness" that comes from penetrative sex. Is penetrative even a word? ;)
I eventually figured that if I could pass a nearly 9 pound baby(monkey #2) thru my cooch I probably could handle H's fist.

At first H stimulated my g-spot and gave me two strong orgasms to relax and loosen me up(that's #8 & #9 N if you're reading this). Soon H was fucking me with a finger, then two fingers and so on. After awhile I wasn't entirely sure he had his whole hand up there till I checked. Sure enough I could only feel his wrist.

Here's where things get kinda fuzzy. As H started to move his fist inside me, I started to zone out. All I was...was feeling and sensation. As he used his other hand to press down on my pubic bone he gained more leverage to move his other hand. Back and forth rubbing on my g-spot and feeling of full was overwhelming. When I started to climax my muscles clamped down on his hand. We literally moved together in one movement. Two people joined together but really moving as one. The orgasm(#10) was intense and lingered long after he'd slowly removed his hand.
The feeling of fullness lasted quite awhile. I worried things wouldn't contract back down to my normal size. I know this line of thinking is silly, but it doesn't keep me from freaking out a little.

Afterwards, H held me wiping the sweat off my forehead and body. When I needed to pee he helped me walk to the bathroom and stayed to make sure I didn't hurt myself. Sometimes after intense/rough sex I have difficulty walking, talking, etc.
It took awhile before I was aware of my surroundings. I wanted to talk about the experience but I was sleepy and spent. Our talk would have to wait till the next morning.

I definitely think it's something we'll continue to explore. It was such a intimate experience, far more than I'd anticipated.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I wish it was easy to do this.
When I decided to restart my blog, I promised myself I'd stop editing and endeavor to be 100% honest.
Even though I've kept that promise in my personal journals, it's been harder than I thought to do it here...anonymous or not. Omitting personal bits and pieces here and there is easy. But they add up.
I told H I wouldn't edit. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised when he called me on my shit the other day. But I was surprised and how strongly he felt about it. He was mad, and didn't hide it.
Even though he called me out on being less than honest, I stalled for a few days about coming clean. Trying to figure out the 'why' of it. Going over in my head how I'd write it.
Last night I finally stopped and realized my lies of omission are hurting me.
I find the following difficult but here goes:

H planned out a very romantic anniversary evening. But really I wasn't feeling it. He'd said a few days before that if I wasn't feeling well, we could push out our "celebration" till that Saturday. Well I wasn't feeling up to celebrating on Tuesday...and I said so. So when he went ahead and planned the evening I felt cornered, like I'd been given a choice but then my answer summarily ignored.
That night after our special dinner and the last minute pick up of our oldest from her pot induced haze, I crawled into bed. When H tried to kiss me I pulled back. I wasn't in the mood and said so. H was at first quiet but then he lost it. Quite literally.

This was new to me. H has never made me feel bad or guilty for rebuffing him. I immediately felt angry. He's told me I can always say no. I didn't understand where his anger was coming from...except sexual frustration maybe.
It's not like we don't have an active sex life(3-5 times a week) or that I'm saying no to his advances all that often.
I do know a great many women who can't say no, however, I'm not one of them.

He expressed his frustration that he'd put a lot of effort into our anniversary evening plans and that I'd been less than receptive. I guess that's true. He seemed to be reading a lot into my rejection. I sincerely was just not in the mood. I was now frustrated and angry that he'd reacted so strongly. As the argument escalated it seemed like we were never going to see eye to eye.

I was confused. Did he really want me to acquiesce to his advances when I didn't want to? This was in complete opposite to what he'd always told me.

Even after a week, I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I think I'll have more to add to this but right now...I'm still confused. How did it get so out of hand?

We both didn't want to go to bed least we both got what we wanted where that's concerned, if nothing else.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

A little goes a long way.

For our 20th wedding anniversary, H planned a wonderful evening.

Rib eye steaks and Cesar salads from our favorite restaurant. A bottle of some good wine. Candles everywhere in the house! Roses too! Sweet!!
And best of all he'd kicked the kids to the curb and told them to get lost for the evening.

The house was quiet and we had a wonderful dinner.

After dinner we're laying in bed, just the night was still early. Not rushing just enjoying the quiet.

Of course not all goes as planned.
Shortly after some wine is consumed(along with a blue pill for added fun), we get a phone call from the oldest monkey.
She's about 35-40 minutes away and needs to be picked up. H asks if she's having car trouble. No. Are you out of gas? No. (this has happened before, ugh) What's the problem then? She's feeling too sick to drive. Then it dawns on us. Are you drunk? No, but I'm really stoned.

Ooookaaay. Well, at least she called I mutter.
By this time H has finished most of the wine and is buzzing. I'd only had half a glass, thankfully.
I throw some clothes on and head out to where she is...pulled over on the highway stoned off her ass. During the 40 minute drive I'm recalling all the times I've driven home from a party stoned or buzzed when I was her age. How stupid and yet lucky I never hurt myself or anyone else for that matter.

I remember vividly one time driving back to my dorm room after a party off campus. My girlfriend and I tried to determine who was less stoned. Seriously, only a conversation two utterly stoned people would have. I'm not even sure how we decided I was the more competent of the two...but I was behind the wheel of a friend's old VW bug trying with all my might to concentrate on the middle line in the road. We were so seriously stoned out of our minds, it would be almost comical except for our shear stupidity.

Now I can't drive after two glasses if wine I'm such a light weight.

When I finally spot kiddo's car, I'm relieved to see she did a decent job pulling over...just like her mom.

She opens up the passenger door looking sheepish.

Me: Hey honey, smoke too much pot, did you?

Kiddo: Yeah mom...sorry.

Me: Baby, don't apologize. I'd much rather you call than drive drunk or stoned.

Kiddo: Thanks for being so cool about it.

Me: Oh honey, been there, totally understand.

Kiddo: God I've never felt so stoned.

Me: Britta had some good pot, huh?

Kiddo: She sure did.

Me: Make sure you drink some water before you hit the hay, ok?

Kiddo: Yeah, I'm really tired.

Me: I bet sweetie. Well, we'll get home and you can pass out. Tomorrow you and Dad can go pick up your car.

Kiddo: Thanks mom. Sorry for ruining your night.

Me: Hey Baby, stop saying sorry. You did good.

We drove home and she dozed off.

The night didn't go quite as planned but whatta you going to do? She passed out on her bed and H and I fell asleep.

Next morning she was all bright eyed and bouncy.
Jeez, I wish I could rebound like a 19 year old.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The big 2-0.

Twenty years ago H and I eloped in a tiny and completely empty adobe chapel.

I'd left work the day before, kissing my workmates goodbye and whispering in their ears that I was off to get married.

No one believed me.

That's was ok, I hadn't invited anyone anyway. I just laughed and said they were right...I wasn't getting married. They were confused.
I'm such a brat.

The minister married us in a quick ceremony and after that we were off on our weekend honeymoon.

We stayed in a cheesy B & B on a coastal town in California, but we didn't care.
It had a bed and that's all that mattered.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

In for a penny in for a pound.

Even though orgasms #4-7 are in my rear view mirror, I'm behind in my homework.

Both monkey girls' birthdays were this week. The girls are 5 years apart and their birthdays are 5 days apart. Certainly not planned that way. Our oldest monkey's due date was still 3 months away when she was born.

It's no surprise that every year around this time I remember how terrified we were when I went into labor with her at 28 weeks. For a week the doctors tried to stave off her birth while pumping me full of steroids to strengthen her little lungs. It was such a blur of doctors, drugs, tests and then an ambulance ride to a hospital more equipped to handle such an early preemie baby.

She just wanted out of the oven...and fast. The doctors did their best...I tried to stay husband and family prayed...but nothing was keeping this kid from popping out 3 months early. She was determined.

She literally was our little slippery monkey at 2 and a half pounds and 19 inches long.

Looking at her today as she blew out her candles you'd never know how traumatic her first 3 months were at the NICU. She's seen the photos and even video of us feeding her and dressing her in baby doll clothes...thank god she'll never know how scared we were. At 25 I didn't know any different till monkey #2 was born 5 years later.

We've been so very blessed.
She leaves for university on an athletic scholarship next month. My little baby.

Life is so amazing.