Tuesday, May 15, 2012

When did prom = sex?

Now before you start making assumptions, monkey #1 is already having sex(she's 18).

We've always had open sex talks since the girls were in grade school. I always thought "the earlier, the better".

It wasn't the way I was raised but my mom's "stay a virgin until marriage" talk seemed highly unrealistic, even at 16. I knew if I ever had girls, I wanted to be realistic and I didn't want them to be ashamed of their sexuality(I was for many years).

I figure we did something right, as monkey #1 came to me at 17 and said she'd already made an appointment with our gyn and was planning on going on the pill.
Now I was thrilled...1. that she came to me and 2. that she was being so responsible. Telling H about it that evening, didn't go over as well as I'd hoped.
I knew he wasn't going to be jumping for joy but I reminded him that she was being responsible, was in love with her boyfriend and frankly, thought that waiting till 17 was pretty damn good(I thought maybe she'd already lost her virginity). H admitted that my points were valid but still said he'd rather be an "in the dark parent" about "those" things. lol. Translation: I can know and listen to all the dirty details but please don't pass them on to him unless absolutely necessary.

Now before H and I had the monkeys I always kinda felt he had a pretty healthy view on sex. He certainly has always had a healthy sexual appetite. And then some. But as soon as the girls were born and old enough to learn about sex he kinda turned into this prude overnight. Not in bed mind you, but everywhere else. Kinda like he expected the monkeys to be sexless nuns one day.

Now I seem to be the more sexually liberated in our marriage. lol. This never ceases to make me laugh.
When it came to movies, I always said sex over violence....i.e. I'd rather them watch a rated R movie with sex than a PG-13 movie with violence.
Sex is normal and I wanted them to see that.
Now we certainly weren't having sex on the kitchen table in front of them. But they did know from an early age that when our bedroom door is locked, we're busy, unless a dire emergency.
I can't even count the number of times they'd knock on our bathroom door while we were showering. Always asking ridiculous questions like, "what's for lunch, or can I watch the Disney channel?".
After awhile I think they thought all married couples showered together. lol.

Now monkey #1 has been seeing the boyfriend now for 10 months(we love him). Yes, they have sex. Yes, she sometimes tells me about it. No, I don't discuss it with H(he knows this).

Okay, so where's the problem?

Well, monkey #1 is all about the prom right now. The dress, the dinner, the dance, the sex. Wait? What? Oh yes, she said to me last weekend that the prom is always about the "sex after the prom"....at the hotel. What hotel?
Well, she said they were actually going to skip getting a hotel with friends and instead spend the night at his parent's house. I can kinda swallow that a little easier than a hotel. Kinda.
I asked her why not spend the night at our house? That got me an eye roll of mega proportions.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm having a problem with...and we won't even discuss the myriad of problems H has with both scenarios.

I didn't go to either of my proms. I was already seeing someone who had graduated and that wasn't his thing, nor mine really. So I never really equated sex with the prom. Is that just the thing these days? And since I have no problem with them having sex(even in our home) why is it a hang-up with me?

I'm really not sure...and obviously I can't really discuss this w/H.

5 comments:

Daniel Hirsch said...

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monkey girl said...

Daniel,
Thank you for your comment. I told 5 years of German and still can't understand 90% of what you said. That said I just hope it's not spam.
Thanks again,
mg

monkey girl said...

*took*

mostly mouse said...

Really dunno...went to the prom with a group of friend's...

But kudos to you for having a good relationship with your daughter..

Hugs,
mouse

monkey girl said...

Arg lost my comment.
I dunno the answer either, just going with my gut. But the phone call from the boyfriend's mother not 30 min after I posted this was eye opening. She's not for any option where her son spends the night anywhere. Even though her knows they're sleeping together. ?? I don't get it.
I have just as fucked up a relationship as any parent has with their teenage daughter who has a mind of her own and is as stubborn as her father. ;) the fact that she still deigns to speak to me...well I guess I see that as a good thing.
My relationship w/my own mother has been strained since the day I was adopted. I still dream of that ever elusive 'perfect' mother/daughter relationship. Sadly it will never be, but at least I'm assured by my therapist that the 'wanting' of it is normal even if it will never be. Took me till I was 30 to realize that.
Thanks mouse for everything you write. It helps me everyday and for that I'm thankful.
best,
mg