Sunday, May 20, 2012

Getting what I want...but not what I need

There is often such a big disconnect between getting what you want versus what you need. At times, for me the difference can be as wide as the Grand Canyon and often just as deep and rugged.

Yesterday afternoon H gave me what he thought I wanted but not what I needed. And this is where we're having such a big disconnect in our relationship.

Sometimes it's easier for me to write him a letter, most times handwritten. However he was going to be out town the entire day so I wrote him an email to read while he was away.
In my email, I explained to him where I am. How I've become lost. Why I need him now more than ever to find me again. To not give up on me.

I gave H specifically, in list form, what I needed from him. In our 20 years I have never done this...told him what I needed to make US work.

We seem to be faltering lately. I've already started weekly therapy again. She had asked me what I needed from H that he wasn't providing. I couldn't answer her at the time. I needed time to think and I guess decipher the difference between my wants vs. my needs.

It took a couple a days for me to even be okay asking these things from him/of him. He already provides me with so much. Am I just being needy? Or greedy? It took those days to figure it out. To be okay with it. And then a few more to articulate them in writing. I didn't want to come off demanding or defensive. I wanted to be strong with my words. Concise.
My biggest fear was he'd dismiss my email as being overly emotional. Thus the list.

I won't lie and say we've never been 'here' before. When I was pregnant w/monkey #2 we almost split up. Got as far as discussing the logistics of how it would work raising two girls in two separate households. But we eventually found each other again and started to rebuild our relationship almost from scratch. That was 13 years ago.

It feels different now. We seem almost LESS connected. I wouldn't have thought that was possible. But after 4 years of Lyme treatment, I shouldn't be surprised. It can crush the strongest of relationships.

Yesterday afternoon was an eye opener for me. H has lost all ability to read my body. He knows my body is changing(going thru early menopause). All the ways that used to work for him, don't anymore.
It almost feels like he's resistant to any change. Almost trying to force my body to respond.
Which it didn't yesterday. At all.

I was left frustrated. I even tried to guide him in the right direction. He wasn't having it.

And that's when I saw it. There was an obvious disconnect in his eyes. I'm not even sure he was 'present' except physically.

Here we are fucking, and he's not listening/watching me. And I'm thinking fucking is supposed to be fun.
I don't think either of us found it fun yesterday. I know I didn't.

I'm tempted to ask him to stop reading this online journal. At least while we try to get back on track.
Part of me needs to be able to unload everything here(not just in my private journal) without his hurt or judgement.
But that other part of me knows how important it is for him to understand me completely, which makes reading this journal of the upmost importance...imo.

So here we are at the end of the week. He's read my letter/my list. He's told me so. We discussed it that night but not a lot(this is typical H).
He immediately told me he was lost. Lost how? He couldn't explain really, except he felt lost in the bedroom.
Could he meet my needs? He thought he could, said yes, said he'd try.

I guess that's all I can ask of try.

And then the guilt crept in today. My ever present guilt. And I start to think maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe he is really trying. And the words/comments from family and friends come crashing back. Everyone loves him. Best thing since sliced bread...
"He's so good to you."
"You're so lucky to have him."
"Don't fuck it up monkey girl"-one of my closest guy friends.
And then there's Gram...
"You'll never be able to get anyone better than him." sweet isn't she?

And I think about all the other husbands I know and I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

But in the end, I still need what I need. It's how I'm wired.

Having my needs unmet for the rest of my life just doesn't seem like an option anymore.

And all I feel is sad.

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