Friday, May 18, 2012

1+1+1=heaven or hell

H has often mentioned bringing a third into our bed(room).

Rarely are these talks done outside the bedroom most(but not all) have been in the heat of the moment.

H is a self-admitted voyeur and has professed his desire to see me with another man.

This has always been a limit for me. And thus I've never considered it at all. H is straight and to my knowledge is not even bi-curious.

So here lies the problem; now I'm wondering if it's more of a soft limit for me and/or the only reason I've made it a hard limit is because my fear of how this could hurt H the long run.

We've been together for 2 decades and I feel I know him quite well. I can't see a scenario that works where H doesn't eventually become jealous or threatened or hurt in some way.

I've asked him if this is just merely a fantasy. Usually that's answered with his continued desire to make me happy. But I don't recall ever mentioning to him a MFM fantasy...because I don't have them. If anything my fantasies run along the FMF line. But I must stress that that is mere fantasy, as I'm not interested in sharing H with any woman(or man) for that matter. I'd be jealous and hurt in the end.

It's been discussed lately as my sex drive has been ramping up to unbelievable proportions. It's crazy really. It's left me at times feeling shaky and unstable. Heart palpations and a tightness in my chest.
I even asked H if this is what teenage boys felt like when they hit their sexual peak...cause if so, I really feel sorry for them.

There are days where I can't even think straight and my only solution has been to masturbate in 5 or 6 quick successions, the last 2 to 3 orgasms are almost forced(but very needed). Only then does the shakiness start to subside, and I start to feel normal again.

I have to think eventually this "phase" will diminish but truthfully it's only gotten worse in the last month or two.

I'm in awe of couples who can bring another into their bed for everyone's mutual desire/pleasure and make it work.

In the end though I just don't think it's for me(or us). I think the enjoyment could be there but the fallout would be to too great a risk.


mostly mouse said...

Discuss discuss discuss...if its a serious consideration, you have to have an honest and totally frank discussion about feelings and all those what ifs you worry about...

Some men really don't mind sharing...finding another guy is a totally different discussion...including well, everything...

You must all discus discuss discuss what the expectations...who handles what and who is in control.


monkey girl said...

Once again thank you for your comment. You are so right. I guess part of the problem is the control seems out of balance in this situation. H has always been in control in the bedroom, this has never been an issue. However in this case, he sees the decision as mine. I see his point really in the fact that once a third is found whether to take it to the next step depends on whether I feel any chemistry w/this person. This is the way H sees it(at least that's what I think). And you're right this is where the discussing till we're blue in the face occurs.
The problem from my perspective is in my head. I've known H for so long. As much as he's protective of me, I'm protective of him...not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm a worrier by nature and very much a creature of habit. So this scares me because the outcome is an unknown.
Writing about it was even difficult for me cause I know he'll read it and then probably tell me I'm over thinking the whole thing.
Maybe I am but for now I know I'm still not ready to take it to that next level and he's okay with that.