Thursday, May 31, 2012


She finally rang me yesterday.

I'd expected crying, remorse even...but instead she expressed her outrage.

4 days in county lock-up and she's still not hit her bottom.

I listened for 2+ hours yesterday as she rationalized her behavior, actions...and drinking.

I'm at a crossroads in this relationship/friendship. I know this.

I gave her the name of an excellent therapist(in her area) and told her she needed more help than I can offer.

I know I am her last friend.
All the rest drew their line in the sand long ago...along with most of her family.

And that's where my guilt lies. I'm the only one who will listen and be listened to.
That's a heavy burden.

I'd hoped she'd finally hit bottom.

I guess it was not meant to be.
I'm scared of how much farther she'll sink.

Hitting bottom now seems so elusive.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

All quiet on the western front.

This morning at 2:30am little monkey and H left for the airport.

Monkey #2 has her Washington DC class trip this week. And H scheduled his meeting in the Bay Area today so they could leave together. One going east, the other south.

So I woke up this morning and the house was sooo quiet. Monkey #1 is such an adult now, I rarely see her really.
So it's just me...and the dog and the cat until late tonight when H gets home from his day trip.

With monkey #1's high school graduation in two weeks I should be scrubbing the house from top to bottom. The MIL will be coming! Yikes!

But I'm not. It's still early afternoon and I've only gotten out of bed to let the dog out and make some tea(PG Tips w/milk, of course).

So I've been reading some of my favorite blogs, one in particular and keeping myself busy...*cough* ...masturbating...all morning. (monkey girl is smiling and blushing)

My left index and middle finger have been wet for hours they're actually prune-y.

I didn't know that could actually happen.

Who knew?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

All or nothing.

I tend to be a contradiction.

Some days I can be rambunctious, flirty, bawdy even.
Some days I'm quiet, introspective, serious and even sad.

Depending on the day you meet me can make all the difference in the world. If your confident, strong and assertive and I'm having a quiet day then often you'll see the real me.

If you're drawn to my strength and energy, the likelihood is we'll have fun for awhile but won't be a match. I can't keep that energy going 24/7.

By no means am I an emotional roller coaster...I'm just me. Fucked up me.

I just can't hide behind any facade. It's all out there for everyone to see.

I've never understood how people can protect themselves from getting hurt...protecting their heart.
We all get hurt. It happens.
But denying something your heart may want for fear of it breaking??
I don't understand That.

How do you know you'll be hurt? Perhaps you won't.
Perhaps it will be wonderful.
And if it is wonderful and later you get hurt...would you give up the wonderful to avoid the hurt?
I can't. I won't.
I'll take the wonderful and the hurt.

Some of my most painful relationships have also been my favourite. Strange I know. And I don't view myself as a masochist.

I can't dip my toe into the water to test it out. I just jump in, clothes and all. Give it all to me or give me nothing.

Some of these relationships burned so bright. Too bright probably.
Probably why they burned out so fast.

But oh when they felt soooo good.
I wouldn't give that up just to avoid the pain in the end.

I wouldn't know how anyway.

Monday, May 28, 2012


There's a special beach on Puget Sound we like to go to.
It's long and pebble-y. And the just opens up to the entire Sound. Really it's gorgeous.

The driftwood could be more described as logs one could build a house with. And there are many interestingly built structures on the beach. None that one should live in(or go in for that matter). Let's just say, monkey girl knows an architect and a good builder when she sees one. And they don't build on this beach.
But they are beautiful to look at and the dog goes crazy when he finds people in them.

Most times we walk the entire length of the beach and find a quiet spot to stop, rest, relax, maybe read and watch the dog go nuts chasing the tide.

Being there always reminds monkey girl of her favorite beach. Makes her kinda home sick for California.
But she loves it up here too and doesn't want to move anytime soon(there's been quiet talk of another move and that's got her scared, but that's another post altogether).

After we packed up and headed home, the monkeys started arguing in the back seat, the dog started barking and monkey girl just sighed.

Guess the day was over and real life came screaming back...literally.

Friday, May 25, 2012


I'm not sure where this post will go but her story needs a happy ending.

I was adopted one month before school started. She and I met the first day of school and have remained friends ever since.

She's known me one month less than my parents, same with her Mom and Dad, who are very much like my second set of parents. They even grounded me when we had a party at their house when we were 17.

I love them and I love her.

She, too, was adopted and we felt very much like sisters. We loved and hated. Laughed and cried. Did drugs and had sex. Toyed with boyfriends and girlfriends. Got married and had babies. We've been through a lot. Together.

She's nearing bottom...or at least I hope so this time. Cause next time she might not survive the fall. And I don't know if I can be there to pick up the pieces.

She's been spiraling for years. I guess at first I didn't really want to see it. We all drank socially, but I kinda knew she always took it a step too far. She was the kind of person who always did everything at 100mph.
She used to be a funny drunk, years ago. Those days are long gone.

The thing is she's not just an alcoholic. She's bi-polar. I should know, my mother is. I saw it in her when we were still in high school. God, her highs were high. People tended to flock towards her in her manic phases. She was fun. But those same people were never there during her lows. And god, her lows...she often was suicidal. She never saw any worth in her eyes. Never saw how beautiful she was.

I know the drinking was her form of self-medicating. And it seemed to help for awhile. Masking her symptoms.

She would never entertain any discussion that involved seeking help or therapy. Even though she knew I was in therapy on and off from the time I was 18 and saw all the good it did for me.

Once her husband started drinking everything just escalated. I'm not his biggest fan. He'd always been verbally abusive(imo) with her even before they married and had kids.

I was always an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on...while I tried to encourage her to love herself. Told her she deserved better. She never seemed to think so. I could feel how much she hated herself.

Three years ago the physical abuse started...from what she's told me and from what I've seen. Her parents have intervened, the cops called, arrests made, all the while she returns to him...with the kids.

Her parents are in counseling. I suspect they are already mourning the loss of their daughter.

We all keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Tuesday night she called. Things were bad. She'd packed up the kids and walked out. Only to return later that evening.

It's Friday night, and I haven't heard a word. Calls go straight to voicemail. Texts go unanswered. I know this isn't good.

I called her Mom tonight. She's been in jail since Wednesday. No one knows all the details yet.

As much as I love her and want her to be okay, I hope this is her bottom.

Still learning.

It's hard for me to remember sometimes that he doesn't need a caretaker. He needs me to be his lover.

I'm not supposed to solve his emotional needs. Just his physical ones.

It something I'm still learning...even after all these years.

I know why I'm wired this way but god it's a hard habit to break.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


It's always something I wish I had endless supplies of...sadly I don't.

Sometimes I get greedy.
I want what I want and I don't want to wait.

Many times all you need to do is whisper it in my ear.


There is a tone you use that makes it sound so sexy.
That if I'm a good girl and be patient you'll do naughty things to my body.

My breath hitches and my body starts to tingle.

And surprisingly I become very patient.

I'm always confused how my body responds to just one word.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

All trussed up...

It never escapes my notice that when we're having trouble communicating, there's always more sex.

I'm not all.

Monday, May 21, 2012

It's not all bad...

After a few private inquires yesterday and today I thought I would just give everyone a brief update.

Is my marriage on the rocks?
Yes, we're going through a rough patch but I have sincere hope that eventually H and I will work this of through.

In the two decades of being together we've only discussed separating once, and it was a serious discussion. With couples therapy and lots of hard work we stayed together. It took at a year to get back on track.

Are we at that spot yet? I don't really think so.

After four years of intense Lyme treatment I've hit what my Lyme doctor calls a plateau or kind of remission from chronic Lyme. Am I cured? No. But I'm no longer in aggressive antibiotic therapy and now am on what she refers to as 'maintenance therapy'.
This is the difference between taking 6,000-8,000mg of antibiotics daily to 300-500mg of antibiotics daily.
There is a huge difference. Trust me.

Lyme has, in the last four years, destroyed my thyroid(2 surgeries, now removed). Pushed my body into early menopause. Cost us enormous sums of money on doctor visits and meds. I don't actually like to dwell on the cost of my sickness as it puts me in a foul mood.

Most importantly it's robbed me of my energy. On the worst of days I would sleep for 17-18 hours. On the best, a 3 to 4 hour nap would suffice.

Needless to say it's affected my relationships with my husband, children, family and friends. I've felt very much like the 'absent mother', wife, friend, etc. There is still much guilt that torments me daily. I've been in therapy most of the time and my guilt is a constant source of discussion w/my therapist.

H has been nothing but supportive during this entire time. He has stepped up when I couldn't. He was put work aside to be with me at every doctor appointment, every blood draw, every IV infusion, every ER nightmare, etc. He has always been there for me.

He has cooked, cleaned, done laundry when I was too tired to get out of bed. He has stood in the shower and washed me when my arms and hands hurt too much. Brushed my hair, dressed me, cared for me in every conceivable way.

This kind of love is so rare. I know this. And this is how I know we'll work through this new adjustment period while I start becoming me again.

Me, monkey girl, the wife, mother, lover, artist, friend, sister....not 'sick monkey girl'.

Thank you for your best wishes, they are treasured beyond measure.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Getting what I want...but not what I need

There is often such a big disconnect between getting what you want versus what you need. At times, for me the difference can be as wide as the Grand Canyon and often just as deep and rugged.

Yesterday afternoon H gave me what he thought I wanted but not what I needed. And this is where we're having such a big disconnect in our relationship.

Sometimes it's easier for me to write him a letter, most times handwritten. However he was going to be out town the entire day so I wrote him an email to read while he was away.
In my email, I explained to him where I am. How I've become lost. Why I need him now more than ever to find me again. To not give up on me.

I gave H specifically, in list form, what I needed from him. In our 20 years I have never done this...told him what I needed to make US work.

We seem to be faltering lately. I've already started weekly therapy again. She had asked me what I needed from H that he wasn't providing. I couldn't answer her at the time. I needed time to think and I guess decipher the difference between my wants vs. my needs.

It took a couple a days for me to even be okay asking these things from him/of him. He already provides me with so much. Am I just being needy? Or greedy? It took those days to figure it out. To be okay with it. And then a few more to articulate them in writing. I didn't want to come off demanding or defensive. I wanted to be strong with my words. Concise.
My biggest fear was he'd dismiss my email as being overly emotional. Thus the list.

I won't lie and say we've never been 'here' before. When I was pregnant w/monkey #2 we almost split up. Got as far as discussing the logistics of how it would work raising two girls in two separate households. But we eventually found each other again and started to rebuild our relationship almost from scratch. That was 13 years ago.

It feels different now. We seem almost LESS connected. I wouldn't have thought that was possible. But after 4 years of Lyme treatment, I shouldn't be surprised. It can crush the strongest of relationships.

Yesterday afternoon was an eye opener for me. H has lost all ability to read my body. He knows my body is changing(going thru early menopause). All the ways that used to work for him, don't anymore.
It almost feels like he's resistant to any change. Almost trying to force my body to respond.
Which it didn't yesterday. At all.

I was left frustrated. I even tried to guide him in the right direction. He wasn't having it.

And that's when I saw it. There was an obvious disconnect in his eyes. I'm not even sure he was 'present' except physically.

Here we are fucking, and he's not listening/watching me. And I'm thinking fucking is supposed to be fun.
I don't think either of us found it fun yesterday. I know I didn't.

I'm tempted to ask him to stop reading this online journal. At least while we try to get back on track.
Part of me needs to be able to unload everything here(not just in my private journal) without his hurt or judgement.
But that other part of me knows how important it is for him to understand me completely, which makes reading this journal of the upmost importance...imo.

So here we are at the end of the week. He's read my letter/my list. He's told me so. We discussed it that night but not a lot(this is typical H).
He immediately told me he was lost. Lost how? He couldn't explain really, except he felt lost in the bedroom.
Could he meet my needs? He thought he could, said yes, said he'd try.

I guess that's all I can ask of try.

And then the guilt crept in today. My ever present guilt. And I start to think maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe he is really trying. And the words/comments from family and friends come crashing back. Everyone loves him. Best thing since sliced bread...
"He's so good to you."
"You're so lucky to have him."
"Don't fuck it up monkey girl"-one of my closest guy friends.
And then there's Gram...
"You'll never be able to get anyone better than him." sweet isn't she?

And I think about all the other husbands I know and I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

But in the end, I still need what I need. It's how I'm wired.

Having my needs unmet for the rest of my life just doesn't seem like an option anymore.

And all I feel is sad.

Friday, May 18, 2012

1+1+1=heaven or hell

H has often mentioned bringing a third into our bed(room).

Rarely are these talks done outside the bedroom most(but not all) have been in the heat of the moment.

H is a self-admitted voyeur and has professed his desire to see me with another man.

This has always been a limit for me. And thus I've never considered it at all. H is straight and to my knowledge is not even bi-curious.

So here lies the problem; now I'm wondering if it's more of a soft limit for me and/or the only reason I've made it a hard limit is because my fear of how this could hurt H the long run.

We've been together for 2 decades and I feel I know him quite well. I can't see a scenario that works where H doesn't eventually become jealous or threatened or hurt in some way.

I've asked him if this is just merely a fantasy. Usually that's answered with his continued desire to make me happy. But I don't recall ever mentioning to him a MFM fantasy...because I don't have them. If anything my fantasies run along the FMF line. But I must stress that that is mere fantasy, as I'm not interested in sharing H with any woman(or man) for that matter. I'd be jealous and hurt in the end.

It's been discussed lately as my sex drive has been ramping up to unbelievable proportions. It's crazy really. It's left me at times feeling shaky and unstable. Heart palpations and a tightness in my chest.
I even asked H if this is what teenage boys felt like when they hit their sexual peak...cause if so, I really feel sorry for them.

There are days where I can't even think straight and my only solution has been to masturbate in 5 or 6 quick successions, the last 2 to 3 orgasms are almost forced(but very needed). Only then does the shakiness start to subside, and I start to feel normal again.

I have to think eventually this "phase" will diminish but truthfully it's only gotten worse in the last month or two.

I'm in awe of couples who can bring another into their bed for everyone's mutual desire/pleasure and make it work.

In the end though I just don't think it's for me(or us). I think the enjoyment could be there but the fallout would be to too great a risk.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Effective immediately all New York trips are over.

Feelings?? Complete relief.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

When did prom = sex?

Now before you start making assumptions, monkey #1 is already having sex(she's 18).

We've always had open sex talks since the girls were in grade school. I always thought "the earlier, the better".

It wasn't the way I was raised but my mom's "stay a virgin until marriage" talk seemed highly unrealistic, even at 16. I knew if I ever had girls, I wanted to be realistic and I didn't want them to be ashamed of their sexuality(I was for many years).

I figure we did something right, as monkey #1 came to me at 17 and said she'd already made an appointment with our gyn and was planning on going on the pill.
Now I was thrilled...1. that she came to me and 2. that she was being so responsible. Telling H about it that evening, didn't go over as well as I'd hoped.
I knew he wasn't going to be jumping for joy but I reminded him that she was being responsible, was in love with her boyfriend and frankly, thought that waiting till 17 was pretty damn good(I thought maybe she'd already lost her virginity). H admitted that my points were valid but still said he'd rather be an "in the dark parent" about "those" things. lol. Translation: I can know and listen to all the dirty details but please don't pass them on to him unless absolutely necessary.

Now before H and I had the monkeys I always kinda felt he had a pretty healthy view on sex. He certainly has always had a healthy sexual appetite. And then some. But as soon as the girls were born and old enough to learn about sex he kinda turned into this prude overnight. Not in bed mind you, but everywhere else. Kinda like he expected the monkeys to be sexless nuns one day.

Now I seem to be the more sexually liberated in our marriage. lol. This never ceases to make me laugh.
When it came to movies, I always said sex over violence....i.e. I'd rather them watch a rated R movie with sex than a PG-13 movie with violence.
Sex is normal and I wanted them to see that.
Now we certainly weren't having sex on the kitchen table in front of them. But they did know from an early age that when our bedroom door is locked, we're busy, unless a dire emergency.
I can't even count the number of times they'd knock on our bathroom door while we were showering. Always asking ridiculous questions like, "what's for lunch, or can I watch the Disney channel?".
After awhile I think they thought all married couples showered together. lol.

Now monkey #1 has been seeing the boyfriend now for 10 months(we love him). Yes, they have sex. Yes, she sometimes tells me about it. No, I don't discuss it with H(he knows this).

Okay, so where's the problem?

Well, monkey #1 is all about the prom right now. The dress, the dinner, the dance, the sex. Wait? What? Oh yes, she said to me last weekend that the prom is always about the "sex after the prom" the hotel. What hotel?
Well, she said they were actually going to skip getting a hotel with friends and instead spend the night at his parent's house. I can kinda swallow that a little easier than a hotel. Kinda.
I asked her why not spend the night at our house? That got me an eye roll of mega proportions.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm having a problem with...and we won't even discuss the myriad of problems H has with both scenarios.

I didn't go to either of my proms. I was already seeing someone who had graduated and that wasn't his thing, nor mine really. So I never really equated sex with the prom. Is that just the thing these days? And since I have no problem with them having sex(even in our home) why is it a hang-up with me?

I'm really not sure...and obviously I can't really discuss this w/H.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Finding my balance

I hit my 40s a few years ago. Didn't think much of it really and certainly didn't feel any older.
Now however, the years seem to be flying by and I've hardly had time to catch up. Embarrassingly I still have a few *cough* xmas items that haven't been stored away yet.

Then today H brought our bedroom fan in from the garage. Today it hit 78F which is warm for the Pacific Northwest. Taking out the 'summer' fan is kinda a benchmark cause it stays out until the very first frost which is usually sometime in October.
And it got me thinking, where exactly has this year gone and what(if anything) have I accomplished so far since January?

If I'm honest with myself...not a whole hell of a lot.
I haven't learned anything new. Haven't started any new project. Really, other than reading and restarting my blog I haven't done anything. Nada. Nothing.

I used to be a self-starter. Now H practically has to prod me to leave the house. My balance is so off...that I'm at a loss of where to begin. Even thinking about trying to regain some balance scares me to the point of panic attacks.

How did it ever get this bad? Where did I lose my way?
Sure the obvious answer would be when I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease...but I can't blame all my problems on my sickness as much as I would like to.

When exactly did I put aside my plans and aspirations? I'm really not sure. Even my journal entries during this period are sparse.
And putting the house in order after our move last thanksgiving has been an exercise in doing the bare minimum. There's so much to be done and I can't seem to find my starting point.
If I keep letting myself get worked up in a frenzy I'm not going to accomplish anything.

I guess I need to remind myself that although it all seems so overwhelming I still can only start at square one. And sometimes square one is admitting that I need help.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Mother's Day came early for monkey girl!!
And He even had it inscribed.

Thank you honey, not sure I even deserve you. xo

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Sometimes the filter that keeps what's in my head and what comes out my mouth is broken, or taking a nap.
Ok, well maybe more than sometimes. ;)
I think at times as we grow older that filter doesn't work as well as it should.
My Grammy's filter went on permanent hiatus when she turned 80.

If my filter worked like it should, I wouldn't be getting myself in so much trouble these days.

I almost wish I had that 10 second time delay like the networks use on live tv.
That way I could quickly edit myself before anyone notices.

And it's not that I say mean or unkind words...but my sarcasm doesn't usually go over as well as I'd hope.

When in doubt I'm going to keep quiet.
Something for me to remember when the relatives come and visit next month. Ugh.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

moving in together...

Monkey girl moved in with H less than three months of first meeting him.

Most of monkey girl's friends were more than a little worried for her.  It wasn't like monkey girl to be impulsive...and some even questioned her sanity a bit. 
How well do you really know him, they'd ask.  Monkey girl would just shrug her shoulders and smile.

Don't get me wrong, monkey girl had worries. 
...did he really want her to move in or was he just 'fixing' her living situation?
...what would happen when he wanted his own space? quickly would her heart be broken?
...did he just want a fuck buddy?
...the list could go on indefinitely really...

Worries aside there wasn't any other place monkey girl wanted to be. 
She had no experience living with someone...other than university roommates and even those experiences hadn't gone so well. 

When the time came though, monkey girl went with her gut.  It had never failed her in the past and her gut and heart seemed to be on the same page for once.

Monkey girl should always listen to her gut.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Already gone...yet here to stay

H flew back to New York yesterday. He was only home a week. I already know this is going to get old fast. Ugh.
I know he hates it too. When he's there he works 70+ hours weeks.
Even though he's busy he still seems to make time to text kidlet #1 about her tennis meets. And every night he calls kidlet #2 before her bedtime to talk about her day. He really tries and considering how little parenting he saw growing up, he's a fantastic father.

We have family and friends coming in a month for #1's graduation. Most will be flying in and staying for 3-4 days(all in hotels this time!!)
Even the MIL is coming.
I'm trying not to stress(lol) but I know by the week she's supposed to arrive I'll be a wreck. Good thing there will be plenty of friends and family around to absorb her attention.

H knows I go a little bonkers when she visits.
He tries super hard to keep me focused on other things.

MIL isn't a big monkey girl supporter. And even though she only visits about once every 7 years, it still hurts to know that she's not fond of monkey girl.

Monkey girl always knew MIL didn't like her all that much. It's always been difficult to be on the receiving end of MIL's underhanded comments.
H has always stood up for monkey girl in every way, often to the detriment of his relationship with his family.

I always hoped MIL would 'come around' and see that I'm not all that bad. I gave birth to H's beautiful babies after all.
I'm not asking her to be monkey girl's cheerleader but after 20 years of being married(anniversary this summer!) you'd think MIL would realise monkey girl is here to stay and not some passing fancy...maybe that's just wishful thinking on both parts.

She'll visit and then go home. Once she's left for the airport monkey girl will finally take a deep breath not realising she'd been holding it in for the past 3 days.
And then she won't have to worry about the next visit for another 7 years.