It's obvious(well maybe only to me) that these latest two posts have been a tad different, perhaps more personal...perhaps more honest.
After a significant amount of thinking(and reading) this last week, I've decided to change the direction of this blog.
Inspired by reading the most amazingly honest blog(and those adjectives don't even really describe how humbled I was by their honesty)... I've decided to stop editing myself.
I've shared many thoughts and stories since starting this in 2008.
Some very personal to me.
However, I really wasn't prepared to "put it all out there" for all to see.
I'm a very private person.
So this will be a challenge of unbelievable proportions...for me.
I've always kept a personal journal... well, it started when I was about 15/16. Well, I remember having some as early as the 4th grade but rediscovering those after a recent move they were filled more will pictures, drawings, hearts, names of boys I crushed on, etc...
Some years I wrote daily(especially during the university years). Some years I only touched the journal when I was inspired to do so...which was still pretty frequently.
Journaling(not sure that's a verb, but whatever) has always been important to me.
I needed to get what was stuck in my head...out.
I needed to reevaluate and pick apart my past, present and future.
I needed to remind myself who I was and a lot of the time keep myself on track.
Now this blog has never replaced my personal journal and I'm still not sure that it will...I still need to mull that over. The blog was simply picked out bits and pieces of my life. Not to say that was bad, but I think I can learn more if I stop editing myself. Period.
Thanks to my readers that have stuck w/me.
My sincere hope is that you'll continue to watch this blog grow.
Post for today:
Even though I've traveled around the world, lived overseas, there still is one City I put high above the rest.
And even though I grew up in the Bay Area, which I guess could make me a tad prejudice...and of course, there are many cities around the world that have gone un-explored, I still come back to Her.
I grew up in Her nearby foothills.
She was and still will only be referred to as "the City". I've rarely called Her by name actually, now that I think about it.
Probably only when others didn't know what City I was referring.
I lived there on three separate occasions.
Twice on my own...kinda.
And once when Hubby and I were married with Monkey #1.
I say, "kinda" because technically Hubby and I had gone our separate ways.
I felt like it was more of a temporary break from 'Us'.
Yes, we'd separated but I still didn't feel like I could see anyone else(and had no desire to).
I was still very much tethered to Him.
Both times were very hard on me emotionally, devastating actually.
I'd never lived on my own before...only at university, and really I mean lets face it, that's not living alone. I always had roommates...horrible ones(another story altogether).
The first time I moved there I quickly started working for a fortune 500 company down in it's financial district.
To say this job was a bore is a vast understatement.
And actually, the financial district isn't one of my favourite parts of the City.
It's full of skyscrapers, and honestly the sun never hits the ground, except for maybe at high noon.
In addition, if I haven't said it before, I'm deathly afraid of heights.
Yes, that means even though I worked on the 25 floor, I hated it 24/7(well M-F, 9 to 5).
This City is known for it's earthquakes(big ones actually) and the thought of being stuck of the 25th floor during one is hardly comforting.
Seriously, when there's that many stories, all I can think about was the building pancaking all the way down to the street. Ugh, makes my nauseous even thinking about it.
I only lived there for about 9 months that first time.
That might not seem like a long time, but to me, it felt like an eternity.
Hubby visited me often.
I think to make sure I was settled...and I'm sure to check up on me.
During the first 3 months, we'd cooled off significantly.
No sex...no kissing(cause that always led to sex...seriously, every time).
I'm sure there was hand holding, as I tend to be clumsy and often don't(can't really) walk a straight line. I'm kinda a "leaner" when I walk, and especially with Hubby.
Once it hit the 4th to 5th month in the City, I remember Him visiting every weekend.
He took me to the beach, the park, the museum, the movies, favourite bookstores, coffee houses, and such.
We started reconnecting...slowly...felt waaaaaay to slow for me, but I essentially let Him set the pace. I didn't want to push.
I was the one who had moved out, not the other way around...but I really didn't feel like I had a choice.
The road in our relationship started to get bumpy, potholes grew and grew, eventually I had to get off the road and take a break for my sanity.
Every weekend it started to get harder and harder for me to let Him go. Truth be told, I think He was finding it harder too. He use to leave on Sunday nite, in order to beat bad traffic.
However, as time marched on, He would leave later and later.
Eventually He wouldn't leave till after driving me to work downtown. He didn't particularly like me riding the Muni downtown so early and late by myself and I didn't own a car.
Sometimes He would ask me how long was "this" going to go on. Honestly, I didn't know.
I knew I was miserable without Him, but was scared to go home...not sure it wasn't going to just get as bad as before.
By months 6 and 7, I was a basket case.
I remember feeling so stressed that I threw up on the Muni bus. I felt it coming and thankfully had time to make it one of the stair wells(we were already underground) you take to get off. At least I didn't puke on anyone...seriously I've been puked on... on the bus... more than once.... Yuck. One person didn't even have the decency to aim down towards their feet.
People seats away got sprayed. Ugh.
Well, you can see the pattern.
Finally, close to the ninth month, we were lying in bed in my apartment and I asked Him if I could come home.
He sighed and said there really was no reason to ask.
At first I really hadn't registered His comment...until He pulled out my suitcases out of my bedroom closet and started packing my clothes.
I can't explain to you what a relief it was.
***posts about they other 2 City stays to come later***