Monday, April 30, 2012

nature vs. nurture

I didn't have a conventional upbringing.  I sometimes wonder if my life had been different would I be?

A few months after my birth, my biological father left for the Vietnam war.  Biological mother picked up and moved us to another state and in a relatively short period of time, had my baby brother.
Four months after his birth(according to state records) she placed us in the care of the state of California.  I've been told that she felt overwhelmed with her situation and needed a break.  She was now 20 with 2 children and a very absent husband.
There were a few visits, but essentially after 3 months, she signed over her parental rights and moved out of state.

For the next four and a half years baby brother and I lived in and out of state care and foster homes.  I still have memories of foster care...some ok, some bad, some so horrible my brain has protected me from these memories.

My lifeline was my baby brother.  I quickly became his mother, and in turn, he became my baby boy.
He never strayed from my side and I never let him go.
He was my only constant.

Even after we were adopted, he was still my baby.
Our adoptive mother didn't understand our close relationship, and often was frustrated that baby brother sought out monkey girl when he needed comfort and love.
She became resentful of monkey girl...and their relationship became a strained one.

Slowly Daddy became the one constant in our lives.
I was able to let him parent and in turn finally start my own childhood at age 8.

To let someone else lead, was a relief to me.
To turn to someone for comfort and be comforted was...until then only a distant dream.
Truly I became a Daddy's girl.

Today monkey girl is an oxymoron (lol).
Half of her is a warm mother figure whose friends and family come to for comfort and support.
Her other more guarded half is a desperate needy little girl who needs to feel unconditional love, craves consistency, and to have a strong hand guiding her at the base of her back.

When monkey girl is feeling especially needy, H gives her what he calls "*insert monkey girl's real name here* hugs".  Monkey girl holds her arms around herself and then H hugs her super tight. 
It's constricting and monkey girl can't move.  She can only lay her head on H's chest.

These are the best kind of hugs...and make monkey girl feel very safe.

Friday, April 27, 2012

2 weeks on...2 weeks off

Whenever H is away on business I have trouble. Not big trouble(not generally anyway) but I definitely struggle.
I have a hard time sleeping, hard time eating, everything just seems harder.
H knows this. Even if I try to maintain a stiff upper lip, nothing escapes his notice.
I'm not particularly proud of the fact that I can't seem to pull it together. Honestly I try.

My life is very routine based. And when H is gone my routine is shot to hell. I kinda feel like a fly in a jar. I fly in circles and can't seem to settle.

H has only been home since Friday...first thing Monday morning New York is calling wondering when he'll be back. Tuesday...more calls. I know where this is going.
Finally last night H says he'll have to do 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off until this contract is signed. I knew it was coming, so it wasn't too much of a shock, honestly I imagined worse. We've done this before when work gets crazy.
It's just been awhile for monkey least 7 years.
I don't want to give him more to worry about.

H has never been one to micromanage me, but this time I knew this might be the only way for me to keep it together.
When this has happened before I had a weekly schedule...pretty much all planned out Mon-Fri. Since moving up here though, I haven't really found a routine.

I don't like to admit my faults all that much, but this time even I have to admit, there may not be any other way. Maybe it'll give me some peace of mind, and hopefully it'll give H some peace of mind.

H leaves first thing Tuesday morning.
Micromanaged monkey girl goes into effect 6am Tuesday morning...wish me luck.

p.s. I saw Fifty Shades at Costco today. Good grief. I don't get it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

her reputation...

H told me years later that he'd heard rumours about me from others on the water polo team at university.

Apparently, monkey girl had a reputation.  Rumours that little hippie monkey girl went down on multiple guys...regular threesomes interrupted only by fire alarms in dorms. Tall stories about monkey girl's sluttiness.

H told her he hadn't put the "reputation and monkey girl" together as the same until someone mentioned it to him.  He doubted these rumours.  Couldn't see how a girl who hid under her sheets and had trouble answering direct questions could be the same sex crazed maniac they were all talking about.

And even though our relationship became intensely sexual almost immediately, my obvious inexperience only cemented his belief that "the reputation of monkey girl" was hardly true or warranted.

In truth, his experience greatly outweighed monkey girl's.   
His experience led monkey girl to fits of jealousy, and feelings of worthlessness.
What monkey girl didn't realize was that her lack of experience was attractive to him.  Made her sexiness seem more real and authentic to him.

I pondered over this last weekend...after asking H if i could grind on his leg while we spent Saturday in bed.  By then H was tired, obviously I wasn't.  ;)   He smiled(it's a smirk really) and said yes, and i thought, boy i've really grown to embrace my sluttiness.  thank god cause it felt sooo good. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

surely opposites attract...


"People aren't jigsaw puzzles.  Sometimes they can't fit into place until they rub up against each other, smoothing out all the rough edges." -from monkey girl's journal.

He's tall, i'm short
He's quiet, i babble
He's calm, i'm jittery
He's organized, i'm a scatter-brained...

He's unlike any other man i've known.

drug free(never even experimented....ever...geesh!)
can't/won't be lead around by his cock

I have a knack for reading people and he couldn't be read.   at all.

I'm not even sure the idea or look of us together made sense.
I was a hippie girl from California, kinda flighty but in a good way, sandals, tie dyed long john bottoms, some flowery top, bells around my ankles, with my long crazy hair everywhere completely unmanageable.  He was a high plains mid westerner...double major in one of the university's intense 5 year programs.

Sometimes I think my 'unmanageable-ness' was attractive to him. 
And His quietness and calmness was attractive to me.  

Thankfully he never took anything at face value.
Intrigued enough to dig deeper.

If I'm 100% honest with myself, He reminds me a lot of (my) Daddy.
Calm, slow to anger
sharp wit and humour
Left brained
Degree from same field all ways

Really they were cut from the same cloth.  Maybe it's a midwest thing as Daddy grew up in the midwest too.
Daddy was monkey girl's only stable parent.  The only one who showed her unconditional love.  The only person who listened to her and told her she was worth something.  Believed in her.

When Daddy became sick and eventually knew He was going to die, He sat monkey girl down and told her she had to be strong.  This did not seem possible.  He said he knew monkey girl was strong...that she'd also have strong people to help her thru this next stage in her life.  monkey girl didn't know He was talking about H then. 

Later, after Daddy died, H told monkey girl that he'd talked with Daddy and told Him that he'd take care of her. Promised him that he'd marry her before the end of year.

We'd talked about marriage before, but Daddy's illness put this on the back burner.  Really, monkey girl couldn't imagine walking down the isle without Daddy holding her hand.  Didn't wanna think of it really. 

Four months later, H and monkey girl eloped in a small front of no one(monkey girl even took photos of the empty pews).

Finally after four years, five months to the day...our two jigsaw pieces fit together.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

weekend update...

H finally made it home on friday after missing his connecting flight...finally making it home after 1am.  we spent most of saturday in bed.
After 10 days apart, spending the next 24 hours in bed was such a relief and felt sooo good.  Period or not. Ugh.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

how I met Hubby...

Hubby and I went to the same university.

I was a first year...He was a second.  It was early March 1988.

Now this university is quite small... only approx. 1200 pupils.
It looks very much like an ivy league school that was transplanted to California.

I had been dating someone on the water polo team.  He was very nice but really there wasn't much chemistry.  Leading up to the holiday break, things really just peetered out and eventually we just remained friends.

After returning from xmas holiday, I really tried to just stay focused on my studies...which was very difficult for me.  I tend to get easily distracted, and that's an understatement of mega proportions. 

Sometime after valentine's day, a boy from the swim team asked me out on a date.
Well, actually he had a girl approach me in the dining hall to see if I was interested in him and if I'd be interested in going out.  It was really rather funny and I sat there kinda giggling.  It felt very jr. high really...and kinda sweet.
I said yes, if he wanted to ask me out on a date that was fine.  Apparently she reported back to him and he eventually asked me out for the next Friday nite.

The date was nice.  He took me to a nice restaurant...was extremely polite...however, I knew immediately that I didn't have any feelings for him other than friendship.

I seriously worried myself sick thru the evening wondering what I was going to do if he tried to kiss me.

When he drove me back to my dorm, he got out, opened my door, walked me to my dorm entrance, thanked me and kissed my cheek.
Good lordy was I relieved.

A couple of weeks go by and I don't hear from him...I dogged the bullitt I thought and was relieved.

Then one Monday evening he and 2 of his friends showed up unexpectedly at my dorm room.
They came in, introductions were made, and we started talking.

Now, one of his friends was Hubby.
I'd never seen Him before on campus.

I was instantly attracted to Him.  Seriously, Bam... it hit me in the gut.
My dorm room was tiny.  I was sitting on my bed, kinda under my covers...even though I was fully dressed.  The 3 of them were sitting on my floor.

We talked for hours...the night wore on.  He didn't say much, rather quiet actually.  His gaze felt very penetrating though...and I slid deeper under my bed sheets.
When He remembers this night, me hiding under the bed sheets, it's something He always seems to remember fondly.  Apparently my hiding intrigued Him.

Honestly, I don't remember hiding that much under my blankets...but He has assured me that by the time the other 2 boys decided to leave, I was balled up in the corner of my bed wrapped tightly in my blankets.
Apparently, He thought this was cute.  He's a little weird.

After His friends left, He asked me if I wanted Him to leave...I said no(this was probably whispered).

He stayed and we continued to talk.  He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk and I agreed.  It must have been very close to midnight.
We walked over to the education buildings and sat on some swings.

Now seriously, I don't remember what we talked  The chemistry was overwhelming.  It was so heady you could feel it maybe even touch it, hold it.  He stared into me...and this made me very nervous.
I think He found this rather being so obviously nervous.

I didn't think it was all that amusing...I was a fucking wreck.

Now what I didn't know was, that His friend that had taken me out on the date, actually still liked me.  Apparently, he'd brought Hubby and his other friend to meet her and check her out.  So He tells me that although He was very much attracted to me, He was very conflicted.

It was getting late and He said He would walk me back to my dorm.

When we were about 50 feet from my dorm, He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward Him and started to kiss me.  Serious kissing...full on making out.  It was hot.  He's a very good kisser.

We did this for about 15-20 minutes...and then He stopped  I was kinda
He walked me to the door, kissed me on the cheek and told me to hurry on and get to bed...yeah, like I'd be able to sleep now...thanks.

End of Day One

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

the universal decision...

---with kidlet/monkey #1 leaving soon for university it got me thinking---

I had mixed feelings about leaving for university.

I literally felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I no longer lived at home...and knew(even if my parents didn't) that I'd never move back home again.  And I haven't.

At the same time, I suffered from guilt leaving my brother behind.  I knew it would be hard for him to continue to live w/the mother when I wasn't there.
I was also afraid of living w/strangers.

The previous year when I applied to universities I had made a huge mistake and applied to schools I thought I was expected to go approved university list per se.
Not going to university was not an option.  Monkeygirl's Daddy had always told her she would go to university.  Not up for discussion.  Now really I didn't mind.  I desperately needed to leave a very dysfunctional bi-polar mother.  Ever since brother and i were adopted(me 6, him 3), she was a force of terrible sickness...but that's another post.  That said, my Daddy was the best one I could have every hoped for, and never would have survived till the age of 18 without Him.  Truly He was her blessing.

After realizing I'd made a terrible mistake with my university choices, I quickly re-applied to smaller private ones(that were NO WHERE near southern California as I found out I don't really like to be farther south than Carmel).  
I still couldn't apply out of state, as I was told that that was not an option...and really my Daddy was paying for my university education so I didn't question it.

I was accepted to my university of choice.  A small (1,200 total pupils) private university in Northern California.

My major was sociology and English literature.
My first year classes sounded so exciting.  I even included an autobiography & religion class that read, obviously, the autobiographies of some religious leaders/writers...Gandhi, Alan Watts, Jung(yeah, that one confused me too as I'd never really thought of Jung as a religious writer), Yogi Paramahansa Yogananda, and a few others I can't remember.  It was a seriously awesome class, btw.

Anyhoo, seeing kidlet/monkey #1 start to doubt her decisions on her college choices and even if she would go overseas(which she always had confessed was her dream), didn't surprise me.

Hubby had told kidlet/monkey #1 to apply to any universities she wanted to.  I thought this was an interesting idea...kinda.
He told kidlet #1 that after her acceptance letters came rolling in He would sit down w/her and start to make a decision.
I even questioned his method (insert much laughter here)and He quickly explained that even if she applied to schools that we'd not planned on sending her to, that He wanted her to flush out her desires regardless of any perceived financial limitations...i.e. super expensive private universities... $50,000/yr.    yikes!!

I guess it made sense, but I thought maybe we were setting her up for disappointment.  What Hubby didn't tell me till later was He highly doubted she would get into some of her university choices based on her GPA and SAT scores. 

Well that backfired on Him big time...but I kept my mouth shout...well sorta...;)

She continued to flip-flop about her university choices, but really I think that's normal.
Now we seem to know pretty sure which one will be the One.

I'm so excited for her...and really kinda scared too.

p.s.  SAT scores have changed significantly since I went to university.  Seriously, they are so complicated now I don't even get it.  

Monday, April 16, 2012

The City...


It's obvious(well maybe only to me) that these latest two posts have been a tad different, perhaps more personal...perhaps more honest.

After a significant amount of thinking(and reading) this last week, I've decided to change the direction of this blog.
Inspired by reading the most amazingly honest blog(and those adjectives don't even really describe how humbled I was by their honesty)... I've decided to stop editing myself.

I've shared many thoughts and stories since starting this in 2008.
Some very personal to me.
However, I really wasn't prepared to "put it all out there" for all to see.

I'm a very private person.

So this will be a challenge of unbelievable proportions...for me.
I've always kept a personal journal... well, it started when I was about 15/16. Well, I remember having some as early as the 4th grade but rediscovering those after a recent move they were filled more will pictures, drawings, hearts, names of boys I crushed on, etc...

Some years I wrote daily(especially during the university years). Some years I only touched the journal when I was inspired to do so...which was still pretty frequently.

Journaling(not sure that's a verb, but whatever) has always been important to me.

I needed to get what was stuck in my head...out.
I needed to reevaluate and pick apart my past, present and future.
I needed to remind myself who I was and a lot of the time keep myself on track.

Now this blog has never replaced my personal journal and I'm still not sure that it will...I still need to mull that over. The blog was simply picked out bits and pieces of my life. Not to say that was bad, but I think I can learn more if I stop editing myself. Period.

Thanks to my readers that have stuck w/me.
My sincere hope is that you'll continue to watch this blog grow.


Monkey Girl

Post for today:

Even though I've traveled around the world, lived overseas, there still is one City I put high above the rest.

And even though I grew up in the Bay Area, which I guess could make me a tad prejudice...and of course, there are many cities around the world that have gone un-explored, I still come back to Her.

I grew up in Her nearby foothills.
She was and still will only be referred to as "the City". I've rarely called Her by name actually, now that I think about it.
Probably only when others didn't know what City I was referring.

I lived there on three separate occasions.

Twice on my own...kinda.
And once when Hubby and I were married with Monkey #1.

I say, "kinda" because technically Hubby and I had gone our separate ways.
I felt like it was more of a temporary break from 'Us'.
Yes, we'd separated but I still didn't feel like I could see anyone else(and had no desire to).

I was still very much tethered to Him.
Both times were very hard on me emotionally, devastating actually.

I'd never lived on my own before...only at university, and really I mean lets face it, that's not living alone. I always had roommates...horrible ones(another story altogether).

The first time I moved there I quickly started working for a fortune 500 company down in it's financial district.
To say this job was a bore is a vast understatement.

And actually, the financial district isn't one of my favourite parts of the City.
It's full of skyscrapers, and honestly the sun never hits the ground, except for maybe at high noon.
In addition, if I haven't said it before, I'm deathly afraid of heights.

Yes, that means even though I worked on the 25 floor, I hated it 24/7(well M-F, 9 to 5).

This City is known for it's earthquakes(big ones actually) and the thought of being stuck of the 25th floor during one is hardly comforting.

Seriously, when there's that many stories, all I can think about was the building pancaking all the way down to the street. Ugh, makes my nauseous even thinking about it.

I only lived there for about 9 months that first time.
That might not seem like a long time, but to me, it felt like an eternity.

Hubby visited me often.
I think to make sure I was settled...and I'm sure to check up on me.

During the first 3 months, we'd cooled off significantly.
No kissing(cause that always led to sex...seriously, every time).
I'm sure there was hand holding, as I tend to be clumsy and often don't(can't really) walk a straight line. I'm kinda a "leaner" when I walk, and especially with Hubby.

Once it hit the 4th to 5th month in the City, I remember Him visiting every weekend.

He took me to the beach, the park, the museum, the movies, favourite bookstores, coffee houses, and such.

We started reconnecting...slowly...felt waaaaaay to slow for me, but I essentially let Him set the pace. I didn't want to push.

I was the one who had moved out, not the other way around...but I really didn't feel like I had a choice.
The road in our relationship started to get bumpy, potholes grew and grew, eventually I had to get off the road and take a break for my sanity.

Every weekend it started to get harder and harder for me to let Him go. Truth be told, I think He was finding it harder too. He use to leave on Sunday nite, in order to beat bad traffic.
However, as time marched on, He would leave later and later.
Eventually He wouldn't leave till after driving me to work downtown. He didn't particularly like me riding the Muni downtown so early and late by myself and I didn't own a car.

Sometimes He would ask me how long was "this" going to go on. Honestly, I didn't know.

I knew I was miserable without Him, but was scared to go home...not sure it wasn't going to just get as bad as before.

By months 6 and 7, I was a basket case.
I remember feeling so stressed that I threw up on the Muni bus. I felt it coming and thankfully had time to make it one of the stair wells(we were already underground) you take to get off. At least I didn't puke on anyone...seriously I've been puked on... on the bus... more than once.... Yuck. One person didn't even have the decency to aim down towards their feet.
People seats away got sprayed. Ugh.

Well, you can see the pattern.

Finally, close to the ninth month, we were lying in bed in my apartment and I asked Him if I could come home.

He sighed and said there really was no reason to ask.
At first I really hadn't registered His comment...until He pulled out my suitcases out of my bedroom closet and started packing my clothes.

I can't explain to you what a relief it was.

***posts about they other 2 City stays to come later***

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Firmly Planted

As both Hubby and I become firmly planted in middle age *gasp* the winds they are a changing.

Oldest Monkey applied for and was accepted to every university she applied to...*another gasp*

It's truly hard to wrap my head around the fact that she will be graduating in approx. 6 weeks, enjoy a quick summer and then leave for college.

Seriously people, where did the last 18-20 years go? I'm not kidding, where did they go?

Every night, when Hubby and I lay in bed to discuss the day, week and other musings, I am awed at how blessed we truly are.

Every day I look at oldest Monkey and see myself standing there at 18 just ready to finally be free, however when I look really closely, I see that she's only one year younger than I was when I met Hubby at university.

And I freak out.

On other news, the winds they are a definitely changing.

Hubby is all of a sudden crazy busy at work, seriously I'm worried.
He's been in New York for the last 5 out of 8 weeks. Now, these were two separate trips, mind you but really 5 weeks?!?

Hubby has been working essentially from home for the last 7 years. Yes, he flies off to meetings, must pop into the main office once in awhile, but really he's been home.

This has been heaven for me(for US), literally.

So as you can imagine all of a sudden to be back where we were before we moved from California to the Northwest, I'm in a bit of a state of panic.

You see, Hubby used to travel for work over 50%(really closer to 75%) of the time...and we hated it.
It was the whole reason we moved. We were tired of all existing on different time zones, countries, etc...plainly said, it sucked.

Hubby texted me on Thursday that being 'gone' again may not be able to be avoided.
I groaned.

I was glad he texted first, instead of called, as I know he worries about my stability while he's gone...and really I didn't want to give him more to worry about already. He's been working like a dog and miserable.

So I wasn't surprised when he asked me on Friday to start seeing my therapist again.