My mind works a mile a minute. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
About everything and nothing. Everything and nothing. Literally.
Do all brains work like mine?
Does everyone contemplate eternity like I do? I mean really, how can you wrap your mind around eternity? Try it....you can't. You just can't. I wonder whether it feels like living forever, and how is that even fucking possible?
Although I haven't been to a church since my wedding, which is coming up on 17 years, no wait, there's been a couple of funerals since then and my sister was married a couple of years ago.
So really, I haven't been to church in two years. And yes, if you're doing the math now, that means I got married when I was 24. Hard to believe.
Anyhoo, I'm not particularly religious, I'm probably what you'd call more spiritual.
Definitely believe in a higher power.
Started believing in heaven (or something like it) when my father was dying. I mean, I believed before that there was life after death, but when my father was dying...I thought about it A LOT.
Really, in my world, all religions are right. There's no only one 'real' religion. Because, in my world, God would never turn away a good person...just based on which church they belonged to or their sexual preferences...that's just crazy talk...you get my drift.
But that's not the point I'm trying to make today. My point is...I can think about this shit for hours. I can literally drive myself batty.
Does everyone have OCD issues when they shower or bathe? Do they wash their hair twice, face twice, arms and legs with one soap, torso with the other? Really? Do they? Or think every time they accidentally touch a public doorknob (with her bare skin) that they'll contract swine flu or tuberculous? Just in case you're wondering, I almost always remember to pull my shirt/coat down or use a paper towel to touch a public door handle.
Do they watch movies over and over thru the years and yet are still convinced that just once the ending will change?
That Robert De Niro will get away from Al Pacino in the end of Heat, the way he meant to?
I mean every fucking time I watch it, I'm hoping he'll escape with Amy Brennan's character and finally get to South America or where ever the fuck they were planning on going. Do normal people do that?
I often tell my significant other that if he only knew what I was really thinking 24/7, he'd have left me long ago. I tell him tidbits here and there, but really just say,
"It's the tip of the iceberg baby, tip of the iceberg."
We've been together a long time, and truly no one knows me better than him. And I certainly feel blessed that he still thinks all my quirky little nuances are cute and endearing...still after 20 years together. Frankly, I'm surprised the bastard hasn't smothered me in my sleep. I know I've been tempted a few times over the years.
You've all seen the scene where Kathleen Turner squeezes Michael Douglas' nose closed because his snoring/breathing is driving her crazy. We've all been there. (War of the Roses...for you young kids, rent it if you haven't seen it) Of course, there's another ending, I hope will change the next time I see it.
Of course, I don't hold his nose closed, I just knee him in the back and tell him to roll over.
I mean, I know it's normal to think of things like...
When you're riding the ferry...you wonder will it sink?
But I take it to a whole new level, baby. Will it sink? Will there be enough room in the life boats? After seeing the life boats...I'm not so sure. So will hypothermia kick in before any boats rescue us? I've watched 'Deadliest Catch', I've seen their computer animated thingy that shows your arms and legs stop working so you drown in less than 5 minutes. The Puget Sound is cold people, fucking cold. Which people will be noble and let the women and children on first?
Do I have Lyme Disease because I used a whole can of RAID on a grasshopper that was stuck in my girl scout tent in the 3rd grade? That would be karma, right? I killed bugs, so now the bugs are killing me.
These are things that would probably keep me up at night. And since I can't take Ambien anymore, remember? Now, I try a regular bedtime routine and a little meditation.
50% success rate so far.
And when I'm awake at 3 in the morning, I think of the millions of people around the world who are up with me.
Life is short.
And we're all in this together.
Friday, July 10, 2009
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15 monkeys left witty comments:
We belong to the same relgion - God is God no matter color, creed, who you love - as long as you don't hurt others (on purpose like with a knife...) then you're okay.
3 a.m. is the WORST time for my brain. It's like there's a hampster on meth in there going around and around and around and I obsess about weird stuff. I think we may be related!
Just think of the kind of conversations we could have with all the people who are up at 3am?
I've suffered from some sort of insomnia off and on since puberty. A lot of early morning reading, tv watching and obsessive thinking.
Ugh. The three o'clock mind racing around like a hamster on speed. Yeah, I think there are a lot of folks out there like us.
I am not sure on god. I was raised church going, heavy on the cramming it down your throat type thing. Why would anyone want an exclusive god? I'd want a god that is inclusive. I work with a lot of "country club" christians. It is a social thing and I am a pariah. (Perhaps it getting me ready for the nursing home clique scene.)
I am with you on the doorknob thing too. I think about some really strange things. I rarely verbalize them. The few times I have I've heard the words, "odd" and "peculiar" or the nicest,"original" but it wasn't said nicely.
Ummm... I didn't notice JNo's comment about hamster on meth when I wrote hamster on speed.
My kids have been thoroughly trained to get in and out of a public bathroom without touching anything with a bare hand. Who knew when we were kids that there'd be a whole new skill set, like flushing toilets with your foot???
Anyhow, Girl, you are not alone. I don't know if it's a mom thing, because we moms feel like we need to know what's going to happen in order to protect our young-uns, or if it's just that I'm getting up there...the 40's make you think a lot more. I know that 2 a.m, wake up with your brain spinning, list-making thing. It still happens, but not as often, thanks to my migraine meds, which make me sleep better. Still happens, but not as often.
As to the whole God debate, I was raised and educated in the Catholic faith. I even taught catechism when little Man was smalll (obviously, they were desperate...) I still go to Mass on occasion, but have so many debates with the Church. My gay friends will not burn in Hell, women should be priests, priests should marry, and the parish has no right to tell me how I should vote. And don't get me started on the choice issue. Mass, for me, is like meditation. It's a beautiful ceremony, a comfort for me, and I believe the basic tenets of faith, but have no patience for the politicizing of it. I got the kids through their first communions, and the rest will be up to them. Nothing like surviving 13 years of Catholic school to make you examine your faith. And God IS inclusive. How can he not be???
Great post, MG. I can totally relate. Especially with the knee to the back thing...
I just can't seem to shut up today.
I went to a Catholic High School even though I was raised in a Bible thumping, pew jumping, speaking in tongues evangelical family. Fire and brimstone baby...The Catholic H.S. I went to was where I learned tolerance and acceptance in religion, believe it or not. The priest I had for religion class went on to marry a student (years later.) He used to quote Buddha, Ghandi, MLK and Simon and Garfunkle frequently. He was a human rights activist and would frequently use class time to educate our horomone ridden brains about atrocities going on here and abroad. I had an openly gay Spanish teacher who was much respected by the rest of the faculty. The school as a whole did tow the party line on abortion, but the Health teacher and several others didn't. I find the sacrament of Mass to be beautiful, I don't necessarily believe it all but it is very assuring for some reason. I like the ritual aspect of it I guess. Sorry to hijack your post MG.
Tonia,
You're not hijacking my blog...don't be silly. I love it when a post gets people thinking. I think people are more alike than different. We all want the same things, love, security, kindness, just some people choose a different path to get it. What a blessing to get such a great and insightful religion teacher. My parents belonged to a non-denominational church, we went every Sunday when I was growing up...but it left me with a dislike for two-faced hypocrites (imagine that) and a dislike of organized religion. I've always felt I can talk to God in my own way...I don't need anyone's help.
MP,
I definitely think they should teach 'no touch' bathroom skills in school. But I don't like to touch any public doors/handles and always use my coat or sleeve. I just keep thinking how many people touched that doorknob before me. Ick. I have pillow issues, sheet issues, you name it. Funnily enough though over the years I've mellowed A LOT about the cleanliness of the house...not that it's dirty, just a lot of clutter of books, projects, papers, toys, etc... My husband remembers a time before kids when I'd vacuum the footsteps off the carpet. Obviously, I don't do that anymore.
Dead Poet's Society - finally had to quit watching it. That boy's dad NEVER wakes up in time and it just blows me away every time. Now that the actor that played that kid is on House, I can pretend the dad did wake up. YES, I'M MENTAL! Just finished reading "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore". Very interesting take on the whole "church" scene.
I really prefer the vindictive, spiteful, and petty versions of God. That or the Morgan Freeman version from Bruce Almighty.
Whoa, Tonia, what Catholic school was that??? :) I had the Sisters of The Holy Cross for elementary and the Augustinians for high school. Augustinians were a cool, accepting bunch. But those nuns. Yeha, they need to marry or at least get laid once in awhile! ;) I really do have a fondness for my faith. It's the politics that don't do it for me. Maybe that's an issue unique to us American Catholics (church and state, etc.)
It sounds like you've come a long way, MG! I cannot claim to be a neatnik - clutter is a constant battle. But you're not alone in the worry in the middle of the night thing. Hang in there...
i'm also anti the touching of public bathroom surfaces. there's probably some untapped resource there that you and i should talk about - disposable finger gloves, long sticks with pincers, mind-control doors? yeah. we could make a killing.
my aunt taught me to flush with my foot when I was a kid. I later found out she is OCD and washes all of her dishes in CLOROX. Yuck.
I have a bit of the obsessive gene myself. I dwell less/have anxiety attacks less now that I'm on prozac but not sure that anything can really cut that shit off completely if that is how your mind is wired. I think I'd say I am in the spiritual category as well. and I think if anyone knew exactly what anyone else was thinking all the time we'd know we aren't as freaky as we think we are!
Just to comment on the doorknob/public toilet thing...
Probably not a good idea to bubble wrap your kids too much. They need exposure to a wide range of pathogens in order to develop a robust immune response.
It's counter-intuitive but the more nasties a kid is exposed to, the better their health will be in later life.
Also, people that have come in contact with swine flu and suffered only minor symptoms (the majority) are now immunized against it and so are in less danger if it does mutate into something more lethal.
rhiggs,
I completely understand the logic of what you're saying, unfortunately I suffer from a chronic illness that has pushed my immune system to its max and any exposure I have to these pathogens could put me straight into the hospital.
I figure my girls are in contact with millions of pathogens and germs on a daily basis at school and camp...so their immune system is constantly being tested.
Thanks for your comments.
Monkey Girl,
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure your girls are perfectly healthy too. It's just some people go overboard with protecting their kids at the risk of future complications.
If you don't mind me asking, what is your chronic illness?
I ask because I am an immunologist. Check my blog or click on my name if you need verification.
Of course, I understand completely if you prefer to not disclose that kind of information.
All the best,
Rhiggs
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