Friday, December 26, 2014

getting thru the holidays...

we've been seeing the marriage counselor now once, twice, sometimes three times a week.  

I swear I sit down, and it's like the faucet turns on and my tears just flow for the next 60 minutes.  

for every step forward, we seem to take two steps back, as we try to learn how to communicate to each other in a healthy way after 12 months of us barely speaking to each other.  
and it's hard.  

H pushes me to move on and "get over" the last 2.5 years, but there are some things I won't be able to "get over" until we talk them out.   I need him to hear me...perhaps for the 1st time in a long time. 
and I need some validation that he's responsible for a lot of what happened. 

until I get that, I'm not sure I can move on...and that pisses him off.  

sometimes it seems we fight almost every night, and I keep waiting for him to finally say that he's done.  waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

only just last week the therapist wanted to start talking about our sex life.  
fuck, that's got me worried and stressed.

I can feel more tears coming on.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Monday, December 8, 2014


do I just throw caution into the wind and trust him?  

my heart wants to, but my head remembers when I threatened to swallow 30+ morphine tablets(which I did, and he knew this) and he chose to stay at work for another hour or so and not rush home.   

how important can I really be if he sits at work knowing I'm potentially taking my life, and yet he sits at work and does nothing.  

this is what goes thru my mind every time he says let's move forward, and put the past behind us and move on.   

I'm not sure I can forget something like that.   how can someone feel so callously indifferent about a person one day, and then profess their love to them the next?  

was everything he said to hurt me a lie?  I find that hard to believe.  

I wish I knew the truth, but I don't think I ever will, and can I move on with him without knowing all the answers?


Friday, December 5, 2014

don't know what to think of this...

this is his tumbler acct.  or was, it's since been deleted.  

the title says a lot tho...and I'm at a loss if he thinks the last few years I've been going thru a midlife crisis.  shocked, really. 

I feel like he's projecting.  many journal entries of mine I write about this actual idea that he's been going thru a mid-life crisis.  ...and when I found the glossy Maserati pamphlet addressed to him a few weeks ago when I was over at his place, it really just supported my idea.  

even the title is a put down.  he'd started saying a few years ago he felt like a "comfortable old shoe" meaning boring, average, etc... (his words) he kept saying, "I know you see me this way."  and no matter how much I told him the sheer ridiculousness in that statement, and that putting words in my mouth pissed me off, he still believed it(obviously still does).  

he couldn't have been further from the truth though.   I didn't know any other way to explain it, than the way I did.   

he had been pulling away from the marriage/relationship.  I felt it, I questioned him about it.  he said he didn't know what I was talking about, or sometimes ignored the question altogether. 

the more he pulled away, the more I panicked.  he seemed angry all the time. and I started to withdraw when he was angry. the sex was virtually non-existent. I tried, and he wasn't interested and told me so...I started to suspect he was fucking someone else. the angrier I got.  the more he pulled away

it was a vicious cycle. 

but I still loved him.  that never changed.  

I still do. 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

marriage counseling

twice a week.  

surprise surprise surprise. 

sex(made love) last night.  

I'll talk about it later I'm still in shock.  

Friday, November 28, 2014

I can't let it go...

did you or did you not say that from the VERY BEGINNING, that the separation was supposed to be temporary?  you said we simply needed space?  you kept telling me how I felt.   

isn't that what you said? 
(words words words...)

of course this is before I found out 7-8 months ago how you made sure your mother's china made it safely to your apartment.
because, it made me realize that, you NEVER saw the separation as temporary.  if you had you wouldn't have been so fucking worried about the god damn china you didn't give a shit about for 26 years.    

but you keep telling me, you want this marriage to work.  
words words words....

and yet your actions were that you told your mother our relationship was long over before we even moved into separate apartments. 

that doesn't sound like someone who's going into the separation with the mind set that it's temporary.   

when your brother called and told you not to worry there's light at the end of your (very dark) tunnel, that his divorce was difficult as well, but chin up....

sounds like you'd already made up your mind.  

why should I believe anything you say now?

...and why can't I just let it go?

Monday, November 17, 2014

the cuckoo's nest...

I may be out of the cuckoo's nest but only by a hop, skip and a jump.  

Today was my first full day of the hospital's outpatient program.  Supposedly, I'm doing this "voluntarily" however when they had me sign paperwork, apparently they thought I didn't see the part where it stated "if they felt I'd be better served by returning to the hospital program...yada yada yada, I'm giving the doctors my permission to yank my ass back to the psych ward just by signing on the dotted line of this outpatient intake form".   
Yeah, I crossed that section out and initialed it before I signed on the bottom line...cause I'm anal that way.  

I've been someone who's sought out therapy since a left for university.  

I had a rather hard childhood, and thought therapy could help me cope once I was in the real world.   
I've had some fantastic therapists.  It often took going thru some real duds to find those awesome ones tho, but it was worth it.  

So today, when I'm meeting what I would call the "Elmer Fudd" of the therapy world, it doesn't fill me with a lot of hope. 
Nor does this, cattle them in, dose them up, use CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) on them, and 2-4 weeks later shove them back out on the streets.  

I find it: insulting, harmful, and "just out to fleece" patients and insurance companies.