Monday, October 27, 2014

a little bit more...

every day I find out a little bit more.  

a lie he told...
a truth he neglected to mention...

on Friday he said he wanted to work things out, wanted to go to marriage counselling.  

I'm not sure why he wants this though. 

over the weekend, I sent 2 texts, each were ignored...not just ignored but he turned off his phone immediately after these texts were received.  as if somehow, he could pretend he never received them.  isn't that right? 

that doesn't sound like someone who wants to "work on our marriage".  

my gut feeling is, he doesn't really want to work on the marriage.  he's just trying to placate me(for the next two years?) till our youngest leaves for college.  

then I don't think he'll even bother, not that he's really bothering now.  


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

what do i do?

really?  I need to know.  

what do you do when the person you've loved for over half your life, no longer loves you?

no longer wants to be with you...what do you do?  

how do you pick up the pieces and move on?

he's been part of me since I was 19.  
I turn 46 next month. 

he's held my hand thru my cancer, the death of my father.  
he knows things I've never told anyone else, things I barely wanted to know about myself.  

he's been my lover, my father, my husband, and my best friend.  

and now, he's none of those, by his own choice. 

so what do I do now?  

Monday, October 20, 2014

a decision was made...

I don't think he believes much of what I say.  
the other night, I waited for some sign that he truly cared about my well being.   maybe he simply didn't believe me when I told him how many pills I had washed down with vodka...yet I knew he heard me.  his careless remark proved that, "then make yourself puke, roll over and go to sleep".

I wasn't sure I'd survive...I really wasn't.  I'd never taken that many pills before.  yet I'm still alive.   here I am.  

I remember as a child and even as a teenager I didn't understand suicide.  why would someone do that, nothing could be that bad.  

but I never imagined the unbelievable pain one could feel.   a pain so deep all you want is to make it go away.  

I understand it now.  

and I can't promise I won't try again. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

a love withheld

having someone love you for years and then having that love withheld, seemingly just out of reach...hurts worse than never having been loved.  

what made him turn away from me, he says he has no answer.  this is hard for me to believe.  

to physically turn away from you in bed when you are trying to hold onto that person, is a knife thru one's heart and soul.  and yet they don't tell you why. 

all logic tells you to leave.  your brain is telling you, you are no longer loved, so why stay?  

yet your heart doesn't want to believe it, since no words have been spoken. 

yet every day those actions scream at you. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

you.

you are such a cruel fucking bastard.  

the little things

it amazes me how he feels like he holds no responsibility for the way things are...

the pettiness, the absolute pettiness he's displayed over the littlest things to get a rise out of me...and sadly, most times it works.  

just this week I found out he took my name off our joint banking account...deposited healthcare checks into a savings account that only he has access too.  yet he tells me he told me about this all months ago.  lol.  seriously it's laughable.  

it's almost like, if he says it, it must be true, so he believes it.  I tell him differently and argue with him, he tells me to stop having a "manic" episode.   a word he'd know that would rub me the wrong way.  

I have no idea who he is anymore...and I'm finding it very hard to like him.  

Saturday, September 27, 2014

his anger...


His anger for me is enormous.  when I see him, it vibrates off his body. 
there is this look of indifference, combined with a unsettled rage, that appears like it might explode at any second.  

I've learned to ignore it.  I must...I have too.  
it's no longer my place to ask what is wrong, or to want to help him. 

but it eats at me...for it hurts me to see him hurting.   

today as I sat at the park, I realized I must just walk away.   I've felt this many times over the last few years, but now I realize we are just hurting one another.  Him, with distinct purpose, me, because I have questions he refuses to answer...that I somehow thought I needed for closure. 

I have been waiting for years for him to be like his old self, to snap out of whatever has this visegrip on him.   
the truth is, that may never happen.  this may be who he is now...and I do not know this new person, nor do i like him.  

this is not the man I married...I don't even see the man I married in there anywhere.  

I've been fighting this voice of reason that tells me there is nothing here for me, and yet walking away, after 26 years, is the single hardest choice I feel I'll ever have to make. 

I do not make him happy.  
He has told me he no longer is in love with me. 

so what exactly am I holding on to?  or hoping for? 

over the last 3-4 years this is the man he is NOW.  I guess I na├»vely thought that maybe if I said or did something, he would come back to me.  

that is not the case.