Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I'm worth more...

Let me tell you how your one word answers/texts make me feel...

When I say good morning, or good night, followed by kisses and other expressions of my affection and my love, and you simply say, "morning, and/or nite" and nothing else, it makes my heart hurt.  It makes my tears start to fall, again.  

There is no feeling, no affection, no love behind those one word comments.   They just sit there by themselves.   Alone.  

You aren't telling me to have a good morning, or a good nights sleep.  You aren't even showing any kind of affection let alone love.   It's as if you're talking to a stranger, certainly not your wife, you say you love.  

When I ask(beg), "no kisses?"  It's like begging for your affection/love.   Actually, it's not LIKE begging, it IS begging.  Begging for you to show me you love me, you care for me.  

It makes me feel, exactly feel like you are keeping your love and affection from me...with thought, with purpose.   It sadly reminds me of a time when you gave your love and affection(and time) willingly, happily to me.   

I sit there and look at that one word.  Just like this morning, waiting for more.  Waiting for some kind of hint or hope that that monotone word won't just sit there all alone.   Yet after 20/25 minutes I know no other words are coming.  You've said your piece/peace.  

There is no universe where you don't know or understand what you are doing.  And it's cruel...with everything else going on in our lives, it's fucking cruel how you hold your love out of reach from me.  

How long are you going to keep it from me?   It's been years now, haven't I waited long enough?   Does seeing me like this give you some perverse pleasure?   Dangling it in from of me, and only showing me glimpses of your affection every 6-8 weeks?   

Haven't I proven to you I'm worthy of your love?

I must be a masochist, because I keep coming back for more.   

What scares me, is thinking that you somehow think this is ok, and it's the only way you think to keep me tied to you.   I would have thought after this last year, that you'd realize I'm at my breaking point.  

I'm beyond my breaking point.  

For too long I've questioned my worthiness...and I realize now why.   I deserve to be loved.  
I fucking deserve to be loved damn it. 

I'm tired of reaching for something, that so obviously you don't want to give to me, share with me.  
I'm tired of beating myself up that I'm not worthy enough.  

I'm tired of begging.  I shouldn't have to beg you, to show me love and affection.  

I'm empty.  I have nothing left to give because my soul and heart have not been replenished in years.  

I can't delude myself any longer.  
I just can't, it's killing me inside...and I'm worth more than that.  

I'm worth more...so much more.  

Monday, February 16, 2015

facing fears

I don't think H will ever need/want me with the same consuming need and urgency that I want him. 
And after 26 years together I think I finally need to face this fact.  

I need to stop pretending I can change him or the situation...but the thought of living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage terrifies me and makes my heart hurt. 

Because, of course, I question whether he's seeking sex elsewhere(even with himself)...because he simply doesn't want sex or any kind of intimacy with me.  

At least not with any kind of regularity, and once a month makes me feel unfeminine...unwanted.  

Friday, December 26, 2014

getting thru the holidays...

we've been seeing the marriage counselor now once, twice, sometimes three times a week.  

I swear I sit down, and it's like the faucet turns on and my tears just flow for the next 60 minutes.  

for every step forward, we seem to take two steps back, as we try to learn how to communicate to each other in a healthy way after 12 months of us barely speaking to each other.  
and it's hard.  

H pushes me to move on and "get over" the last 2.5 years, but there are some things I won't be able to "get over" until we talk them out.   I need him to hear me...perhaps for the 1st time in a long time. 
and I need some validation that he's responsible for a lot of what happened. 

until I get that, I'm not sure I can move on...and that pisses him off.  

sometimes it seems we fight almost every night, and I keep waiting for him to finally say that he's done.  waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

only just last week the therapist wanted to start talking about our sex life.  
fuck, that's got me worried and stressed.

I can feel more tears coming on.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Monday, December 8, 2014


do I just throw caution into the wind and trust him?  

my heart wants to, but my head remembers when I threatened to swallow 30+ morphine tablets(which I did, and he knew this) and he chose to stay at work for another hour or so and not rush home.   

how important can I really be if he sits at work knowing I'm potentially taking my life, and yet he sits at work and does nothing.  

this is what goes thru my mind every time he says let's move forward, and put the past behind us and move on.   

I'm not sure I can forget something like that.   how can someone feel so callously indifferent about a person one day, and then profess their love to them the next?  

was everything he said to hurt me a lie?  I find that hard to believe.  

I wish I knew the truth, but I don't think I ever will, and can I move on with him without knowing all the answers?


Friday, December 5, 2014

don't know what to think of this...

this is his tumbler acct.  or was, it's since been deleted.  

the title says a lot tho...and I'm at a loss if he thinks the last few years I've been going thru a midlife crisis.  shocked, really. 

I feel like he's projecting.  many journal entries of mine I write about this actual idea that he's been going thru a mid-life crisis.  ...and when I found the glossy Maserati pamphlet addressed to him a few weeks ago when I was over at his place, it really just supported my idea.  

even the title is a put down.  he'd started saying a few years ago he felt like a "comfortable old shoe" meaning boring, average, etc... (his words) he kept saying, "I know you see me this way."  and no matter how much I told him the sheer ridiculousness in that statement, and that putting words in my mouth pissed me off, he still believed it(obviously still does).  

he couldn't have been further from the truth though.   I didn't know any other way to explain it, than the way I did.   

he had been pulling away from the marriage/relationship.  I felt it, I questioned him about it.  he said he didn't know what I was talking about, or sometimes ignored the question altogether. 

the more he pulled away, the more I panicked.  he seemed angry all the time. and I started to withdraw when he was angry. the sex was virtually non-existent. I tried, and he wasn't interested and told me so...I started to suspect he was fucking someone else. the angrier I got.  the more he pulled away

it was a vicious cycle. 

but I still loved him.  that never changed.  

I still do. 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

marriage counseling

twice a week.  

surprise surprise surprise. 

sex(made love) last night.  

I'll talk about it later I'm still in shock.